the finer dandy

I work in an eight-story building. My office is on the 8th floor. I take smoke breaks. I go out for lunch. That said, I go up and down a lot (that’s what she said).

That said, when I get on an elevator full of people and some healthy-looking, non-morbidly obese person steps on the elevator and presses the number “2″ I cringe. I get irritated - as do the other elevator riders. Would it be too much to walk up 2 flights of stairs?

What’s worse is when I am about to reach the 8th floor and I am alone in the elevator singing “Man in the Mirror” and someone on the 7th floor decides to take the elevator one floor up.

Come on people. You have legs. Use them.

And P.S. - I, on occasion will actually trek up to the 8th floor. Yes. I am that hardcore.

There are so many television shows out there and seeing as though I watch a lot of TV, I watch a lot of said shows. But like the rest of the Twitterfied public, I have a short attention span. I get obsessed with a show and then my interest wanes. The reason for the waning varies. Some shows may just slip through the cracks and others just get really lame and annoying – which brings me to my first show that departed my DVR recording queue: Gossip Girl.

It took me a long time to jump on the GG bandwagon. In fact, I didn’t start watching it until after the writer’s strike. One day, I gave in. I watched the first episode and from the first breathy X-O-X-O, I was hooked. I loved S. I loved B. I loved how B was the biggest bitch. I loved the headbands. I loved Chuck. I loved his slimy dandyism. After I completed the first season, (which I watched in one entire sitting mind you) I was craving more. I loved to see these rich kids get into a whole lotta mess – because they deserved it. It was hot. And the fact that Georgina (Michelle Trachtenberg) was even a bigger bitch than Blair (Leighton Meester) – and I didn’t even think that was possible - was the icing on the cake. Well, they were in different bitch categories, Blair was more of a in-your-face bitch whereas Georgina is a sneaky bitch and would screw up your life with her two face antics.

Even this soft core porn ad couldn’t bring me back to the show

When I started watching season 2, I felt the wane. Lil J (Taylor Momsen) got annoying. Really annoying. Her smoky eyes made her look like a “Joan Jett: The Musical” understudy. Then everything just got muddled and blah. Dan (Penn Badgley) was becoming a little punk. Nate (Chace Crawford) was becoming an Abercrombie & Fitch wuss and the only thing interesting about him was his man bangs. And don’t even get me started on Serena (Blake Lively). Boring with a capital yawn. The only one worth watching was Chuck (Ed Westwick) – well, I just liked his outfits.

The same goes with Heroes. I was enthralled with it’s X-men meets Lost mythology, but then that whole thing called season 2 happened and I just couldn’t handle Hayden Panittierrerererere and her lack of personality – not to mention Milo and his crooked-mouthed yelling.

There are some that I just stop watching because of no particular reason. I just don’t make them a priority anymore. I mean, I loved 30 Rock - but I just stopped watching. Same goes with Eastbound and Down and Flight of the Concords - I loved those shows. Unfortunately, they just fell off my radar. It’s like that friend from college you lost touch with. You wouldn’t mind running into them down the road.

Then there is Mad Men. This show is like the friend I let down. The dad I disappointed. I watched season one and was totally enthralled. Then, I didn’t even bother with season two; knowing damn well I was disappointing the show. It’s like the lover I abandoned after a raunchy one-night stand.

There are plenty of other shows that have either fell through the cracks or I just don’t want to bother with anymore: Skins, the new 90210 and now Nurse Jackie - and that hasn’t even been on a full season. Talk about short attention span.

Luckily I have shows that constantly keep me satisfied like a reliable hooker: Lost (of course), The Office, How I Met Your Mother, United States of Tara, Glee (one episode and I was HOOKED) and most recently, I jumped on the True Blood bandwagon (and these don’t include my reality show obsessions. Yes, I watch A LOT of TV).

If you look at the aforementioned list they either have one of the following: 1.) constant development of an intriguing storyline that keeps you guessing (can you say DHARMA INITIATIVE?) 2.) humor that is clever and smart (please reference any episode of HIMYM or The Office) 3.) Crazy-ass characters set in a blood-sucking small town in Louisiana or 4.) a woman with dissociative identity disorder and her dysfunctional family.

Who knows? With shows coming in and out of the woodwork, my interest may change yet again. Oh wait – gotta go - The Bachelorette is on.

Tags: 30 Rock, Eastbound and Down, Flight of the Concords, Glee, Gossip Girl, Heroes, How I Met Your Mother, Lost, Mad Men, Skins, Television, The Office, True Blood, TV, United States of Tara

The warm loving embrace. The smoldering eyes. The vampire in the moon. This re-cover is the cheesiest thing ever - and I love it.

I wonder if they changed the text of the novel to match the Harlequin romance vibe this cover is sending out. I wonder if Bella says stuff like, “Jacob’s warm manhood was no comparison to the frigid delight of Edward’s hard, cold, statuesque body. As I lay there in my moist cavernous room in Forks, I ponder the departure of my innocence. I can’t help but have my delicate fingers trace my bosom with thoughts of one of them throwing me down on my plush bed and wrestling the sheets that were once starched to perfection.”

Whoo. That even made me a little hot.

And P.S. Taylor Lautner’s hair is better short.

Tags: Kristen Stewart, New Moon, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Twilight

Optimus Prime (voiced by Peter Cullen) gives Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf) a fatherly lecture in a cemetery - because that’s the perfect place for a fatherly lecture

From the moment I saw a caveman on the screen in the opening scene of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, I knew I was in for a bittersweet treat. Yes, you heard that right: caveman. No I am not getting this confused with the lukewarm comedy film Year One (very disappointing by the way), I am talking about our favorite robots in disguise. Autobots. Decepticons. Shia. Megan. The whole shebang – and a shebang it was…sort of.

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Tags: Action, Bumblebee, Film, Hugo Weaving, Isabel Lucas, John Turturro, Megan Fox, Megatron, Michael Bay, Movie reviews, Optimus Prime, Ramon Rodriguez, Revenge of the Fallen, Reviews, Shia LaBeouf, Toys, Transformers

I don’t have any explanation for this video. It speaks for itself. It’s the best thing ever. Thanks Zaid for sending this to me:

That was a cool magic trick he did - where he went under the covers and changed clothes. It was amazing.

And yes, I need to start blogging more…

Tags: Humor, World of Warcraft

…sort of.

As I get over my vacation hangover (yes, I am still trying to realize that I had an actual working life outside of my magical trip to Europe), I am actually starting to get off my ass and read my entertainment news on a daily basis. Thanks to my co-worker Ian (via the NY Post), I watched this “mockumentary” that’s looking for a home on TV with Simon Rex and - well - it has to be one of the funniest and most brilliant things I’ve seen this year…okay, well maybe not brilliant, but it is pretty damn good…check it out:

I mean, how could you not like this? It has Simon Rex (props to him for taking Felicity’s flower), Lance Bass, Jamie Pressley and a semi-tolerable Paris Hilton. And P.S. Geoffrey Arend is one funny mofo (this homeboy is just as funny in 500 Days of Summer!)

Tags: Geoffrey Arend, Jamie Pressley, Lance Bass, Mockumentary, New TV Shows, Paris Hilton, Pilot, Rex, Simon Rex, TV

Just when I was about to write off Late Night with Jimmy Fallon’s, he goes and does something like this…

This has to be the greatest thing to happen on late night TV. Well, at least for Saved by the Bell fans. If you’re not a fan of that show, then you’re dead inside.

Mark Paul is a genius. This reunion will happen. I am going to put it on my vision board.

Do you think they’ll bring back Tori too? I hope not.

B-B-B-B-B-B! B-B-B-B-B! GO BAYSIDE!

Tags: Jimmy Fallon, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Saved by the Bell, Talk show, Zack Morris

It’s been nearly three weeks and I haven’t written one word on any of my blogs – but I have a good excuse. I was in Europe getting inspired and sharing a sleeper car on Eurail with people who do not know how to use personal hygiene products.

For two and a half weeks, I hopped from city to city: Paris to Barcelona to Madrid back to Barcelona to Milan to Florence.

It was quite a time and it was convenient to not have easy access to the internet and to not have any cell phone service. It was liberating. Now that I am back in the States, it’s like I have been reintroduced to this whole new world of the Internet and cell service. In fact, I am being reintroduced to the whole world of writing. It seems as though I have lost my will to write and all I want to do is travel and eat baguettes, cheese, tapas and gorge myself on Vivoli gelato all the live long day.

But that’s besides the point. I just need to get back in the swing of things and just start writing again. Before I do get into the swing of things, there are a couple of people I’d like to thank for my European adventure.

Hanes: I have discovered that Hanes V-neck tees are the most travel-friendly garment. Ever. All you need is five of them for ANY trip and you are good to go. Side note: just make sure you wash them along the way. You don’t want a raunchy rag draped around your neck.

Modeling a Hanes white V-neck tee in front of the Camper Hotel in Barcelona

Versailles employee who gave me my audio guide: It was a pleasure meeting you and your breasts which were about to pop out.

Zara and Dstilled: The providers of the lightweight scarves that I excessively wore throughout my adventure. They made me look so Euro.

My Zara scarf at Versailles

My Dstilled scarf at the Reina Sofia in Madrid.

Converse Jack Purcell and Puma Black Label: Two pairs of shoes that I alternated throughout my traipsing about Europe. They are practically busted and tore up. Can I please get two new pairs? I am directing that question to the people at Converse and Puma. Thank you in advance.

My Jack Purcells enjoy the view at the Olympic Stadium in Barcelona

My Puma Black Label Mostros enjoy a day in the park in Madrid

Laduree, Fauchon and Berthillion: Macaroons, chocolate and ice cream. I still get a tummy boner when I think of these places.

Magical macaroons at Laduree…

Bertha and Janet are on the verge of a choco-gasm at Fauchon…

Me inhaling Berthillion ice cream…

The lady at the WC near the Sacre Coeur: There was a public restroom near the Sacre Coeur that had unmarked stalls on the left side and urinals in the wide open separated by turnstiles on the right. I thought it was a unisex bathroom so I tried to go into the stall. I was yelled at for doing so by the water closet ambassador standing guard. It was a memorable moment.

Edith and Flore: My coworkers who basically gave me a list of “musts” in Firenze and Paris.

The food of Firenze: If I lived in Firenze, I would be morbidly obese.

Honey from Italy: There was something so magical about this nectar from the Gods. It certainly wasn’t Sue Bee.

Pecorino cheese with the aforementioned fresh honey and orange zest at Cantinetta del Verrazzano in Florence…this is food porn at its best.

Vivoli: Dear Lord Jesus Christ, thank you for bringing this gelato into my life. And thank you even more for the Cafe Crema:

Barcelona to Milan to Firenze: The longest train ride known to man – especially when a middle-aged Spanish man with B.O. walks around the uber-small sleeper car in his bikini briefs. Vomit.

Late night infomercial porn: Basic cable in Europe ain’t shy about their porn at night.

Barcelona’s Metro system: The cleanest subway I have ever seen in my life. I could’ve eaten tapas off of its floor.

Hannah Montana in François, Espanol and Italiano: Yes, it’s just as irritating.

The Bay Area girl who I befriended on train from Barcelona to Madrid: I liked how when I talked to her she immediately said, “Oh! You speak English!”

“The Year of Yes” by Maria Dahvana Headley: The book that kept me company throughout my travels.

Janet and Bertha: My travel mates. We are bound by leather.

Nutella: The unofficial sponsor of our trip.

The girl on the train to Versailles: There was this American girl who I overheard on the way to Versailles. Although her voice was annoying, what she said stuck with me throughout my entire trip: “It’s better to be on the bottom of a pile of really good stuff than on top of a pile of shit.” Words I need to take into consideration with my writing career….

Tags: Barcelona, Europe, Florence, France, Italy, Madrid, Paris, Spain, Travelling

…since I’ve written on this blog. That would explain why my traffic is so low on this thing. Really low. Flo-rida low.

I feel like I should be watering this plant a little bit more with my random discourse. I should be sharing my copious amounts of nonsense knowledge with the rabid public. In turn, the public will claim to know more than me and I would respond with a snarky comment to shut them up - therefore making me a snob.

But that’s besides the point. The point I am trying to make is this…well, there is no point. I just felt the need post something on this site so that it isn’t totally dead.

I will actually be departing for a while longer and you probably won’t hear from me again until June. Actually, you won’t hear from me until June. I am going to make a trip to Middle Earth where I will battle Orks and other creatures in for the sake of good. Then it’s on to the Final Frontier where I will be with my crew on the U.S.S. Enterprise in order to stop Nero from destroying planet Earth. From there, I will head to Manhattan where I will partake in some sort of situational romantic love triangle and then end up marrying the man of my dreams.

Wish me luck.

I LOVE it when people get into arguments on Craigslist! And it’s even better when it’s on the m4m missed connection portion - it’s so catty!

In this particular public argument, two people go at it with such fervor:

dear asshole checkout boy at rainbow grocery. - m4m (mission district)

i waited the extra 10 minutes to get in your line because you kept staring at me. you were pretty cute, even after i noticed your love handles. i was purchasing some pretty expensive herbs and probiotics because i have been sick lately and they are the only thing that make me feel better. i came in specifically on thursday because of the 20% off coupon. i forgot my coupon this morning the rush out of my house. i asked if i really need the coupon because i had forgotten it. you responded with the most snide and eat shit “yeah” i think i have ever heard. thank you for being so fucking rude and not swiping that coupon you have on top of your register for me. you owe me $15. i’m a poor student. that could have fed me for a day. thank you for putting a damper on my morning. i hope the rest of your day is plagued with extremely annoying new wave burning man hippies and that your line never ends.

my favorite line from abfab: “you can drop the attitude. you just work in a shop.”

…and then someone answers:

Dear Rainbow Grocery Shopper - m4m (mission district)

Rainbow Grocery is expensive! What the hell is a cheap-skate “poor student” doing shopping there? Methinks you’re more upset that he didn’t slip you his number than you are about the $15.

I’m hoping you’re not majoring in English.

…then it gets GOOD:

Re: dear asshole checkout boy at rainbow grocery. - m4m

You’re the poor, whiny candy ass who can’t even afford to get by in this town and you’re criticizing ME? A student huh? Well for being so supposedly “youthful and slender” you look pretty lousy. Here I thought Clay Aiken was the ugliest gay guy under 30.

Perhaps you’d be a happier more contented and less lonely person if you went straight? Stop stalking me at work! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!

At least I can support myself and don’t ask for handouts. I don’t just work there I own a piece of the store genius. I also don’t stalk people as you obviously do.

Some of this doesn’t even make sense which makes it even more enjoyable…and I don’t think that it’s only 2 people. I am so tempted to go hang out at Rainbow Grocery just to see this kind of action.

Tags: Craigslist, missed connections, Mission District, San Francisco