Okay, so it’s no secret that the company I work for is in turmoil.
So yeah. Come March 3, I may be out of a job.
But before I get to that, I am trying to build my own site right now. It’s going to be very elementary and basic. So don’t expect anything grandiose.
Okay, so yeah, I may be out of a job soon – and can I tell you that I am shitting bullets each day.
It’s kind of hard when you are in danger of losing your job – especially one that you like. Yes, many of my friends have heard me complain about it many times, but when it comes down to it, I like what I do.
I have this fear that the two big wigs of the company (who I only know through mass e-mails) will call me into a sterile white room where they will be sitting behind a mahogany desk. I will be forced to sit in one of those plastic chairs that are popular in high school cafeterias and prison visiting rooms.
I will sit down and stare at them blankly. They will give me a smile that is hard to read and begin to have small talk with me. They’ll say things like, “How are you doing today?” and “I really like your blog” and “I like how you dress up every day.” I will nod and giggle awkwardly during this interrogative foreplay.
If I get laid off, I hope to be wearing something nice. Maybe I should plan on wearing a suit on March 3 or maybe something casual chic like my A.P.C. cords, a nice button down and a blazer. I just want to look presentable on the day of reckoning.
I imagine the whole ordeal going down like the final stage of American Idol before they move on to the top 24.
From there, the conversation could go two ways:
Scenario #1: One of the panel members will utter the words, “We’ve liked the work you’ve done here. You have carved a niche for yourself in the publication that has never been done before. That said, we would like for you to continue your work with us on one condition – you battle us in an all-out dance war.”
As soon as he says that, we participate in a freestyle hip-hop dance battle to Ciara’s “Get Up,” and of course, I trample the competition with my inimitable, cutting edge dance moves.
Scenario #2: One of the panel members will utter the words, “We’ve liked the work you’ve done here. You have carved a niche for yourself in the publication that has never been done before. That said, we will have to let you go because you are making everyone else who doesn’t do as much work as you do look really bad.”
I would put my fingers on my temple as rage rushes through my veins and I get up and say, “So that’s it?! That’s all you got?! Well let me show you what I got!”
I would tear off my outer layer of clothing and reveal a bedazzled purple unitard and perform a lyrical routine to “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” by Elton John.
The panel will be brought to tears as I perform the most graceful movements known to man. I would dance with all my gusto and end with my hands to the sky, representing my dedication to the company.
The panel stands up and give an outpour of applause. Right then and there, Carrie Ann Inaba from “Dancing With the Stars” comes out of no where and says, “Your performance was the most beautiful thing I ever seen in my life.”
Shocked by her presence, I would respond, “How long have you been watching?”
She would put her hand on my shoulder and say, “Long enough Dino-Ray, long enough.”
We would embrace and she would offer me a job as her assistant.
Conclusion: Either scenario is a winning situation. So I don’t think I am in danger.
But for real, I am about to vomit in anticipation for the lay off announcements. I do not want to go through what I did before I got this job.
Well, at least I will get unemployment…I think.