the finer dandy

For the past couple of weeks, I have seen more adults than children pick their nose and eat whatever comes out. I am totally not joking. In fact, I have seen ONLY adults pick their nose and eat it - mostly on BART.

Why do they do this? Does it taste good? Does it evoke a feeling of childhood playground nostalgia? One out of three times while I am people watching on BART, I spot one guy diggin’ through his nostrils and then nonchalantly bring his finger to his mouth and dine on his boogers. It makes me gag. And yes, all of the people I have seen have been men over the age of 35.

But there is one guy takes the cake.

Clad in what could possibly be a Member’s Only jacket, he got on at Oakland/Coliseum and he sat in the empty seat in front of me. Of course, being the expert people watcher I am, I stared at him, protected by my aviator sunglasses. As the train moved, he started to fiddle with his fingers. His thumbnails were longer than his other fingernails and he proceeded to pick at his chapped nail beds, cleaning them. I saw flakes of skin dust off as he aggressively used his thumbnail as a pick, cleaning all the dirt and dead skin. He then took his index finger and then dug through his nose, digging and digging like there was no tomorrow. Working that nostril like a stripper grinding on a brass pole. He looked at it and then ran his finger through his teeth. I gagged and uttered the words, “That is fucking disgusting” underneath my breath.

But he wasn’t done.

He began digging in his ear. Using his flaky skin as a Q-tip, cleaning the wax or whatever the hell was in there. I gagged. THEN he went BACK to his nose and repeated the digging without missing a beat. At this point I was passed the point of gagging. I was in awe. He was competing for a world record. For what? I don’t know - but he was competing for something.

This went on until we reached the Montgomery Street stop in San Francisco; where I exited the train. Lucky me, it was his stop too. I kept my distance in fear that he would touch me with those soiled hands of wax and snot.

I ran out of the train and walked down Market, thinking I was safe from the booger man. Then…on the corner of Market, as I was about to light a cigarette, I turned to my right and - I kid you not - he was standing right there next to me. It was like he knew his primitive grooming habits bothered me so he wanted to continue to show me and convert me into his nose and ear picking ways.

Luckily, I crossed the street to the other side of Market and he stayed put on his side of the street. I was safe from him and his thumbnail. But who knows, I may run into him again and he may have more tricks up his sleeve. Maybe next time he will just blow his nose in his hand and eat it.

Gag.