The mystery of Maryann on ‘True Blood’ is solved

Having just recently jumped on the True Blood bandwagon, I must say…this show is like a pornographic Twilight deep-fried with debauchery and dusted with Southern charm. And don’t even get me started on the characters of Lafayette and Tara (played by Nelsan Ellis and Rutina Wesley respectively). Oooh child – they are my absolute FAVES. They put the ‘sass’ and ‘fras’ in sassafras.

But let’s put the focus on Maryann Michelle Forbes- the crazy, bohemian dress wearing mysterious witch lady who looks like she’s about to tell us our fortunes via a pay-by-the-minute hotline. It looks like she buys all her clothes as World Market. With her wing tipped eyes and her flowy dresses, she moseyed into the town of Bon Temps and is an aphrodisiac realized.

Here’s what we know about her:

1.) She has history with Sam (Sam Trammell), the town’s bar owner and resident shape shifter on the DL. A long time ago they did it. That whole sex scene between the two of them was creepy. A bestiality kind of creepy.

2.) She has a huge pet pig. I have no idea what the hell this is about.

3.) When she is casting a spell or whatever, she vibrates really fast. She should seriously consider taking up krumping. She would kill it on the dance floor.

4.) She lives in a big mansion and she likes to hosts parties where people get naked, drunk, horny, gluttonous and we recently found out that people get so faded they eat dirt. Now that’s a party.

5.) She has an agenda with Tara. Maybe it’s a lesbian thing, maybe it isn’t. I mean, Tara does have a bangin’ bod. I would not be surprised.

6.) According to a recent interview she did with TV Guide, she is a maend. At the end of the last episode, the people at Tara’s b-day party started going BUCK WILD and Maryann started to grow some serious man hands. In other words, she is that minotaur lookin’ thing that totally jacked up Sookie (Anna Paquin) in the previous episode.

Maryann makes it hot at Merlotte’s, the town’s watering hole

It’s so obvious what her role in this show is. She is vying to be the town’s top-rated party planner. Sure, she may have a problem with controlling her shakes and she may turn into a monstrous beast once in a while – but man – if she can throw a party where people get topless and guzzle down bottles and bottles of wine then she obviously just wants to be the next Martha Stewart. And like Martha, she tends to have manish qualities. Maybe she’s a dude. Or maybe she’s just a tranny trying to be accepted.

Whatever she is, she don’t mean no harm. Now let’s leave her alone and move on to more important stuff on the show – like the name “Sookie.” What kind of southern name is that? I lived in Texas for most of my life and not once have I heard a name like that – and how annoying are Bill (Stephen Moyer) and Sookie?

I’ll just save that for another post…