A fashion writer reviews ‘Orphan’

There’s something wrong with Esther.

Honey, there’s just not something wrong with her. There’s somethings wrong with her – and the entire movie for that matter.

I don’t bring out the word, “Honey” that often, but when I feel the need to get all Southern and matter-of-factly on a topic, I’ll bust that word out. I will also say phrases like “I do declare” and “y’all” and the occasional “fiddle-dee-dee.” That said, I feel the need to vent my frustrations about this movie so I need to pull out all the stops.

Lordy, lordy, lordy – where do I begin? First off, I have to say I have held off writing this review because 1.) I wanted to marinate on this movie to see if there was anything redeeming about it and 2.) My new apartment (as many of y’all know) has no internet.

In regards to point #1, there wasn’t anything redeeming. If you don’t know the plot by now, then I’ll break it down for you: Kate and John Coleman (Vera Farmiga and Peter Sarsgaard) are a happily married couple with two kids. She can’t have kids anymore after an unfortunate mishap with their third. He is the uber-supportive husband. They adopt a child that, from the get go, is questionable. From there, madness breaks out like Chlamydia in a whore house.

First off, why in the hell (I repeat, HELL) would you want to adopt a child that dresses up like she’s from a totally different era? Secondly, when we first see Esther (Isabelle Fuhrman), she’s all alone. Painting. Singing a song in a room by herself. Her child-like aloofness may be cute at first, but c’mon – isn’t that kind of a “something is wrong with her” red flag. It’s like Kate and John (ummmm – are their names a reference to John & Kate Plus Eight?) went out of their way to find the most creepy kid in the bunch.

The movie is like The Bad Seed mixed with The Good Son and twisted with eerie freak show child pageantry costuming a la JonBenét Ramsey. Although I appreciate historic fashion, why the hell (I repeat, HELL) did they have to dress Esther like that? She would’ve been just as scary and annoying if she were wearing a Juicy Couture track suit with Uggs the whole time. In fact, she would’ve been scarier.

The movie moves at a snail’s pace which makes you hope that the ending is worth the two hours of pigeon smashing, tree house burning and “innocent” child-like manipulation. Unfortunately, it isn’t. It just gets more and more irritating with every Russian accented word Esther speaks. It was as if they forgot to put an ending to this sluggish thriller and tied up the loose end with less-than-riveting carelessness.

I was more entertained by the commentary from the dude sitting next to me in the theater. (i.e. “Damn – that girl is f***** up” and “Ooooh – she got no shame killin’ that pigeon! She’s straight-up gangta!”). Normally, I would be annoyed by non-solicited commentary from fellow moviegoers. In this case, it was appreciated.

Don’t let the gory introduction to the movie fool you, I do declare that this movie is anything but a thrilling story that uses the whole, “creepy child” schtick. Fiddle dee dee.