‘G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra’: Not as bad as you think

From the moment this movie was announced, it seemed to have a death wish. People were in an uproar about the casting, fanboys got their underoos in a bunch just because that’s what they do best and the “hush hush” storyline about Cobra Commander made the whole world furiously curious.

To make matters worse, there were no press screenings for the movie in San Francisco which meant one of two things: A.) it was so bad that they didn’t want press to leak early reviews showcasing it’s primordial suckiness or B.) it was just that bad. Releasing it to the press would be like Long John Silver’s catering a Thanksgiving meal at a fat farm.

I, being the open-minded person that I am, gave this film a chance. I deflected all of the reviews and negative buzz around the movie. I went in with no expectations.

Then the movie started.

I inhaled deeply like a woman in labor while watching the two-dimensional acting provided by hottie du jour, Channing Tatum (who played Duke). I sat through the initial eye candy of explosions upon explosions upon explosions. I even turned a blind eye to the blatant token black guy quips provided by Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) – but they were funny.

Sienna Miller as the Baroness – love the belt buckle.

The plot was like that of a B-movie. A weapons magnate named McCullen (played by Christopher Eccleston, who will soon become – spoiler alert – the silver-faced Destro) invents these nanobytes things that can destroy metal and stuff. From the get go, we know he’s up to no good. He seems like he’s making them for our military but it turns out he’s invented them for the bad guys which includes the mangled mad scientist Rex or “The Doctor” (the soon-to-be Cobra Commander played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt), The Baroness (Sienna Miller), the badass ninja dude, Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee) and a whole band of soldiers who are infested with these nanobytes, which can apparently control people’s minds as well.

THEN there’s a whole orgy of flashbacks that links Duke with the Baroness and Rex; Storm Shadow with Snake Eyes (Ray Park) and it just gets really messy and convoluted – and Dennis Quaid as Hawk? C’mon Quaid, I know you can do better than that. And don’t EVEN get me started on Cobra Commander’s mask at the end.

I can see why people can hate this movie.

Storm Shadow (left) and Snake Eyes throw down

Then, about 45 minutes or so through all the FX diarrhea and stale acting, The Baroness said one line that made me chuckle. She was shooting up some building and forced a woman to get out of an elevator saying, “Out of the elevator bitch!” (or something like that) – then after a perfect beat she said, “Nice shoes though!”

This made me realize one thing: the movie is supposed to be fun. They are not trying to make this all deep and meaningful with muddled bullcorn. They are trying to be what everyone has been waiting for: a summer movie full of nonsense action and mediocre acting (Transformers 2 didn’t quench that thirst for me). We don’t need any cinematic overtures right now. That’s what Oscar season is for.

I let down my guard and released the grip on my pompous, self-righteous critical eye and just had fun with it. By doing that, I was able to relive those times when I had my G.I. Joe action figures go at war with the evil terrorist organization known as Cobra. It made me flashback to those days when I would make plastic military vehicles with intricate decals explode. It made me remember those days when I would dismember action figures that didn’t cooperate. It made me remember how much G.I. Joe was a major part of my childhood.

Isn’t that touching?

Sure, they may have totally raped the mythology with this whole Duke and Baroness love story. They even twisted the knife by adding Cobra Commander into the mix.

But I didn’t really care. This movie was just mindless for me – and that’s what I needed. Apparently, that’s what a lot of people need as well. The movie opened at number one domestically for the weekend box office with $56.2 million dollars. And apparently it wasn’t a total cluster fuck because they are already talking about a sequel.

If you’re looking for a G.I. Joe movie that follows the original cartoon and comic book verbatim – this ain’t for you. If you’re just looking to stare at a screen and watch things explode, then perhaps you should consider this cinematic drivel.

Let’s just be happy at the fact that Sienna didn’t attempt a Russian accent with The Baroness.