I’m not as pretentious as I thought

I finally had the opportunity to sit down with my latest copy of Details and in an instance of kismet, I turned straight to an article titled, “63 Signs You May Be a Pretentious Tool”.

I love it when Details does stuff like this. It makes me gauge my doucheosity and the article is a blatant sign that the magazine itself may be the handbook of all that is douche worthy.

So while browsing through the bullet points that illustrate a “thoroughly modern douchebag,” I noticed that only a couple pertained to me:

#29: Moleskine – I have plenty. As a writer, I feel like I evoke the spirit of Hemingway whilst writing in Moleskine journals. That is definitely pretentious.

#33: You know this great little tapas place – I know of a couple. Does that give me extra points?

#40: You double-kiss – I am embarrassed to admit this. Really embarrassed.

#44: You photograph your food – What’s so bad about that? They are pictures that will make you salivate later. Consider it food porn.

#48: You strive to be shot by the Sartorialist – Now that I think of it, this is kind of pretentious. Not really douchey; just really desperate.

#56: You know the difference between skinny and stovepipe – It’s part of my job.

If this were an actual test, I would’ve scored low. Very low. Only 6 out of 63. It’s really surprising. I thought I would be a little bit more pretentious. A lot of my friends would be disappointed. They always count on me to be the resident snob of the group.

If I really want to reach the penultimate level of doucheness, I guess I have to start befriending lesbian chefs, listen to Grizzly Bear and host brunch more often. Perhaps I should even take holiday in Marfa and talk about how fantastic Marni is while tasting “notes” in my favorite beer. Afterwards, I can tell my personal trainer that I want to strengthen my core and then visit “my guy” at the cheese shop and tell him about a really good tailor and tapas restaurant.

Wow. Just by typing all of that I can feel Massengill bubbling through my pores.