Being seduced by Jeremys

Out of the hundreds of times I have been to San Francisco’s luxury discount store, Jeremys, I have bought a total of 12 things; half of which I have donated to Goodwill – with justifiable reason of course.

I decided to go to the wood-grained retail outlet on Saturday, envisioning some sort of Margiela product waiting for me on the gorgeously disheveled racks. Going into that store is like sartorial spelunking. You have to dig and dig and dig through a bunch of crap before you find something worth examining, let alone buying.

I was greeted by one of the workers. She asked that I check my bag at the front in fear that I might steal something. It’s understandable. It’s protocol – but she was obviously one of those girls who works in retail. Dressed in a summery dress and topped off with what looked like a Bump It, she seemed like a bossy girl on staff that everyone else made fun of and loathed because she would eagerly suck up to the customers like a horny gnat and then swing on the nuts of the boss like a trapeze artist. If I worked there and saw that I was scheduled to work with her, I’d scoff and then probably vomit. She immediately gave off a condescending essence of shallow ambition and a “holier-than-thou-because-I-work-in-high-end-retail” vibe – but I didn’t let that bother me. I was on a mission.

I did a preliminary scan of the racks and then started to get down to business. I saw many labels that tickled my fancy: Marc Jacobs, Y-3, Band of Outsiders, Prada, Phillip Lim – I even saw a jacket by Viktor & Rolf. There were some Opening Ceremony shoes that haunted me and was even tempted by a Ralph Lauren topcoat. Then I saw the label I was looking for: Maison Martin Margiela. Characterized by those tags with four stitches, I felt like my mission was accomplished – but then I saw what the racks were serving up: trousers that looked like marching band pants. This made me realize that there is a reason why some of this stuff was discounted. They were not pieces of clothing that would warrant a realistic and functional wardrobe.

The Band of Outsiders blazer I saw was velvet and when I tried it on, I looked like a tailored pimp/lounge act. The Opening Ceremony shoes were obviously samples worn by models considering all the scuff marks – and I wasn’t about put my feet into shoes that were inhabited by another person’s foot. The Viktor & Rolf jacket, although beautiful in construction, looked like something Beethoven would wear to a rave and the Phillip Lim garments on hand were clearly things that didn’t sell at the Barneys Warehouse Sale.

I’m not ragging on Jeremys. It is a great store – but you have to be very cognizant with what you decide to purchase. You can’t impulse buy here – because you will regret it later. Sure, the prices are tempting and the labels are appealing, but that’s it. The luxury labels will seduce you like a stripper looking to bring you to the champagne room. Don’t get blinded by the brand name – be cautious or else you’ll end up with a pair of Margiela marching band pants and stinky and scuffed Opening Ceremony shoes.