‘Paranormal Activity’ = sleeping with the lights on

Even though I need to be up at 6:30 a.m., there’s a reason why I am still up past 1 a.m. on a Monday night. It’s a valid reason. A very valid reason. It’s this little bitch of a movie called Paranormal Activity.

I have been putting this movie at the bottom of my list since it came out. It’s not that I don’t like horror movies, it’s just that I don’t like horror movies that use home video cameras. It makes them seem real. Too real.

I was one of those tools that fell for the supposed reality of The Blair Witch Project, so when I heard about this movie I said, “I ain’t even gonna try to go see that.”

Weeks passed and the pop culture matrix was all over this movie about Katie (Katie Featherston) and Micah (Micah Sloat – they actually used their real first names, which makes it even realer and, in turn, more pee-in-your-pants frightening), a couple who witnesses paranormal activity in their house. I, being the self-proclaimed pop culture pundit that I am, thought that is was my job to see this movie. So on Saturday, I grew a pair and moseyed on over to the Metreon to view this film.

As I sat in the theater waiting, I thought to myself, “Okay, this can’t be that bad. I mean, I already know it’s not real – and it won’t be anything like that Blair Witch malarkey.”

The film started and I thought, “Hey, this isn’t that bad.” Besides the nauseous home video cinematography, I wasn’t too scared – until they started those overnight surveillance videos of the couple sleeping. All my comforting words melted away – and so did the manhood I attempted to grow.

At one point, the woman in the movie gets up in the middle of the night and just stares at her boyfriend while he is sleeping. Not in a “I love you so much” romantic way, but in a “I am possessed by a demon and I am going to eat your pancreas” sort of way. It was unsettling.

The movie wasn’t scary because of what was happening on screen (well, a lot of it was), but it was more of what could happen to this couple who we immediately know is doomed from the very beginning. Plus, there’s something about things emerging from darkness and grabbing your leg and dragging in the middle of the night that makes me implode with cowardice. Director and screenwriter Oren Peli also decided to factor in the whole “demonic presence” ordeal into the equation and anything that deals with that kind of stuff (i.e. The Exorcist) just fucks me up.

As soon as I walked out of the theater, I tried everything to keep my mind off of this movie: made cupcakes, sang showtunes , prayed the rosary – but nothing worked. Repeatedly singing “Tardy for the Party” didn’t even give me any solace whatsoever. As the title of this post suggests, I did in fact sleep with the lights on that night…and I may even sleep with them on again tonight.

I am not afraid to admit that I am colossal wuss – and that is perfectly fine.