R.I.P. American Apparel button-up shirt

I have this theory that a man could never have enough white button-up (or button-down, depending on how you look at it) shirts. That said, I am always on the hunt for the versatile piece of menswear.

On a recent shopping excursion to American Apparel, I was surprised to see that they had a decent variety of them. I don’t usually purchase button-up shirts from American Apparel. In fact, I don’t usually shop at American Apparel at all. If I do, I get plain T-shirts and maybe something else that is something that I don’t really need (who the hell needs a Crayola box variety of sweatbands? ).

However, I was drawn to the button-up shirts. I don’t know if it was the soft-core porn ads that are staring at you all over their store or if it was an act of consumer desperation, but I needed a white button-up.

No – that’s not me in the picture

The price point was fairly decent and the quality seemed acceptable. I was also surprised to see that an extra small fit me near perfect. So I bought one…along with a cardigan and a lightweight scarf (which is essentially a strip of fabric).

Side note: the scarves were behind the cash register. Asking for one was like asking for a pack of cigarettes or condoms at a gas station.

I wore the aforementioned button-up a couple days later along with the cardigan and a tie. I felt good. It fit well and it was serving its purpose. It wasn’t until I went to wash it that things started to go downhill.

When I was about to put it in the washer, I noticed that my deodorant had left stains in the arm pit area of said button-up. I use one of those “shirt-friendly-goes-on-clear” brands of deodorants and wear an undershirt – so it goes without saying that I must’ve sweat a lot the day I wore it. Yes, this is an overshare, but I believe it is relevant to the conversation.

I thought, “I’ll just do a nice plunge-and-scrub pre-wash and it will be good as new!”

Wrong.

I went through the process and when I took it out of the wash, the stain was still there. I don’t know if the shirt’s material was reacting strangely to the deodorant or if I actually secreted blue sweat. Or perhaps I needed to find a new brand of deodorant. In any matter, I decided to do a little bit more plunging and scrubbing (that’s a reference to Far and Away in case you didn’t get it the first time around). So I did.

After using some elbow grease, the stain had, for the most part, faded away. I thought, “I’ll put it in the dryer for a brief minute so that it could get a little dry before I put it on my nifty drying rack.”

That was a mistake.

While it was in the dryer, I lost track of time while getting enthralled with Beyonce’s Crystal Geyser ads. When I realized it was still baking in the dryer, I rushed over in a frenzy to rescue it – but alas, it was too late. It had shrunk. It had shrunk a lot.

I put it on in hopes that my eyes were deceiving me, but they weren’t. It fit like a baby tee. I looked like one of those guys at a club. You know – the ones that wear really tight button-up with the top 4 buttons undone (untucked) with boot-cut jeans, severely square toed shoes and a Dep-gelled faux hawk.

I had to lay it to rest – or give it to a girl who will look better in it than me.

Although I only wore that shirt one time, I really miss it. We had some good times together.