Things that will make Twi-hards squeal

Based on Monday night’s event, there seems to be five distinct stages that make Twilight fans go ape-shit:

Stage 1: Any mention of Twilight in conversation makes their eyes widen and they get giddy. They smile fanatically showing all their teeth – including their molars. There is no squealing yet, but you do feel this dormant, muffled sound about to come out.

I’m surprised these girls from the Twilight premiere didn’t reach Stage 5 after making physical contact with Robert Pattinson

Stage 2: Any sensory representation of the franchise brings out a shriek: a poster, T shirt, soundtrack, movie TV spot, book – any form of media will provoke Twi-hard fans like a dormant volcano. The shrieks come out in short bursts.

Stage 3: The actual physical presence of someone from or having to do with the Twilight franchise causes the eruption of squeals and possibly uncontrollable jumping. The jumping helps them contain the potential of reaching the next stage…

Stage 4: Nine times out of 10, jumping does not contain the squealing – especially if physical contact occurs. This is when it hits the fan. Twi-hards will lose all control of their senses and possible “joyful crying” might ensue. Screaming is off the charts and they become rabid. It is at this stage when one should stay at least 10 feet away from Twi-hards.

Stage 5: Spontaneous combustion. This has not happened yet. And I stress yet.

Also, based on Kellan Lutz’s actions on Monday, certain actions can make you jump from Stage 1 to Stage 4 in one fell swoop. For instance, saying the word “butt” or simply talking about nudity can make you inch closer to Stage 5. For a more in-depth look, watch the video:

To follow my obsession with New Moon, click here