Is ‘Nine’ a 10?

The perfect recipe for a Rob Marshall film (Nine, to be specific):

- 10 parts exquisite production value
- 4 parts Italia
- 1 part esteemed leading man (Daniel Day-Lewis)
- 1 part legendary actress (Sophia Loren)
- 4 parts Academy Award-winning actresses (Penelope Cruz, Nicole Kidman, Judi Dench, Marion Cotillard)
- 1 part pop star (Fergie)
- 1 part rom-com actress (Kate Hudson)
- Season with musical numbers for taste

Sounds like a tasty recipe, right? Well, I wouldn’t be so quick to get excited.

Marshall’s razzle dazzle track record is very commendable – particularly with Chicago. His latest jazz hand venture is a redux of the original Tony Award-winning 1982 Broadway production which was adapted from Federico Fellini’s 8 ½ .

Day-Lewis plays Guido Contini, a famous movie director who is at a block when it comes to his next film. So what does he do? He does what any normal human being would do. He breaks out into song and reevaluates all of the relationships he has with all the women in his life.

I watched this film immediately after watching A Single Man so I was a bit emotionally exhausted. I was ready to be entertained with singing, dancing and beautiful women. Unfortunately, my musical bone wasn’t tickled as much as I wanted.

Day-Lewis wowed as usual; Dench impressed me as his confidant/costume designer (did you know she actually wanted to be a costume designer?); Kidman looked beautiful; Cruz slutted it up with pizazz and I couldn’t take my eyes off of Cotillard.

So what was the problem, you ask? Well, the actors did their job – and that’s exactly what it looked like: a job.

Being a musical junkie, I want to jump out of my seat, dance along and let my inner Liza high kick her way out of me. This musical didn’t do that – except for two performances.

It’s amazing that out of this all-star ensemble cast, my least favorite people gave me the best performances: Fergie and Kate Hudson. It’s only natural that Fergie (not exactly my favorite person – if I hear her drool out “meet me halfway” one more time…) would knock it out of the park as some sort of prostitute/stripper singing the song, “Be Italian” complete with fellow scantily clad women flailing sand and banging tambourines. Even though she had tranny tendencies, she put a big ol’ stamp of authority on this movie musical.

Surprisingly, Hudson, who plays a Vogue journalist, shakes her go-go booty and finds her sexy diva with the number “Cinema Italiano”. With an appropriate fashion show flashbulb back drop, Hudson makes the movie fun and gives a fresh musical number obviously aimed for the MTV VMA demographic (which is blatant due to a remixed club version on the soundtrack that is bound to glowstick its way into gay clubs everywhere in the forthcoming year).

Other than that, the songs don’t propel the movie forward (as a movie musical should). Instead, it drags its feet. Maybe it was the casting or maybe it was just a hard sell for people expecting that Chicago magic. Or maybe it was Cotillard’s performance of the painfully pedestrian song, “My Husband Makes Movies”.

Nine has all the elements needed to be a great movie musical to add to Marshall’s resume. The actors were great and the production was terrific. It’s just too bad that it didn’t hit a chord with me to make me want to rush out and audition for the role of Guido Contini in community theater. Grade: B-