Dino-Ray: Uncoordinated Muay Thai Adventurer

I am always open to new ways to workout. So when my friend Steve suggested learning Muay Thai at the mixed martial arts Mecca Fairtex in San Francisco, I was open to it.

Even so, I have this fear of doing organized learning in a gym setting. I feel all self-conscious. It makes me flashback to my days of junior high gym class when I was just a chubby awkward boy surrounded by uber-athletic young men who were on the accelerated puberty track. So you can only imagine the worthlessness and physical intimidation I felt when I saw a bunch of ripped guys in kick boxing trunks with the word “Fairtex” embroidered on the elastic waistband (they kind of look like culottes) roaming the open training area kicking, kneeing and punching the shit out of bags, pads and, in some cases, each other.

But as I said, I was open to it — mainly because I heard how great a workout it was AND I can learn kick someone’s face 100 times in 1 minute OR I can possibly learn how to kill someone with my bare hands like Tony Jaa in Ong Bak (please reference the image above).

My first four classes were “Level 0″ classes. I had to take them before I go into the hardcore stuff. It’s like having to smoke weed before getting into hardcore stuff like heroin…okay, maybe that’s not the best example, but you get the point.

We learned the basic things like stance, right side kicks, right side knee, left side kick, left side knee, etc. We also learned how to correctly wrap our hands to punch the hell out of a bag — but all of it is so foreign to me. There’s so many things to remember: step out, pivot, skip, stand on the ball of your foot, thrust your hip, point your toe — it’s as difficult as doing a choreographed ballroom routine. I get so stressed out trying to remember all of it. The instructor also said I am very tense in my shoulders and I need to RELAX. It reminds me of that one time I took a yoga class and the instructor said my hips were really tight. (The use of the words “hips” and “tight” made me feel very pure.)

I must be doing something totally wrong because I managed to get blisters on my bare feet and I broke skin on my knuckles. Perhaps my bloody blisters were a combo of my excessive long distance running and constant pivoting on the mat — or maybe I am just pivoting too hard (is that possible?) I think my bloody knuckles were just a result of me hitting the bag wrong or maybe it’s the result my oh-so-delicate skin.

I think it’s a combination of everything.

I am still not 100 percent confident with my Muay Thai skillz. I feel so awkward and I don’t think many people giggle or smile whilst Muay Thai’ing — not because I think it’s funny, but that’s how I handle being uncomfortable. I giggle like a school girl.

Even though I look like an uncoordinated farm animal in these classes, I am going to stick through it. Perhaps I need to wear an eye patch a la Sagat in Street Fighter and holler “Tiger!” with each kick, knee and punch.