Contagion: Who Should Die and Who Should Live?

Not since 1995 have we been treated to a star-studded movie about a deadly epidemic that takes over the world (I’m talking about Outbreak). Now, in 2011, we are revisiting that wonderful fictitious world of viral outbreaks that will kill us all — but this time the star wattage has been cranked up to full force!

In Contagion director Steven Soderbergh tries to make hypochondriacs out of all of us. With the very scene germophobia sets in as we see Gwyneth Paltrow heaving a ill-sounding, raspy cough while dipping her hand into a community bowl of peanuts at an airport.

It just sounds gross.

The movie spares no expense by casting some of Hollywood’s biggest celebs. Soderbergh even slips in some other “cool” actors that audiences will recognize as “that guy/girl from that movie” such as John Hawkes, Demetri Martin, Elliott Gould, Jennifer Ehle, Bryan Cranston, Sanaa Lathan, and Enrico Colantoni.

Floating to the top of this celebrity stew are a couple of power players pictured on the movie’s poster. Based on their prestige, acting nominations/wins (Golden Globes, Academy Awards, etc.), tabloid coverage, general likability, and other extremely complicated scientific methods, I have took it upon myself to do a round-up to see how expendable their characters would be in this movie. In other words, I am measuring the likelihood of their character’s viral-induced death based on their real-life brand image. Before reading on, there may be some spoilers ahead so do so at your own risk:

Marion Cotillard as Dr. Leonora Orantes (Academy Award wins: 1; Golden Globe wins: 1; additional Golden Globe nominations: 1): In the movie, she plays a doctor for the World Health Organization, which is a power position — so that’s good thing. Of all the actors, she has the least paparazzi appeal — and the fact that she was worshipped for her work in La Vie En Rose, well, that just makes her kind of untouchable. But then there’s Nine. Even though she got a Golden Globe nom for that, I’m going to have to subtract points. Likelihood of Contagion death: Low — mainly because she has the whole French thing working in her favor.

Matt Damon as Mitch Emhoff (Academy Award wins: 1; additional Academy Award nominations: 2; Golden Globe wins: 1; additional Golden Globe nominations: 3; MTV Movie Award nominations: 9): As the suburban husband to Paltrow’s character, he’s the Average Joe that has to deal with this viral mess. Damon is kind of paparazzi-worthy, but he isn’t annoying enough to be loved by inhalers of Us Weekly. He has grown to be a fine actor since his role in Mystic Pizza. Likelihood of Contagion death: Mild The only thing saving him as an actor at this point are the 9 MTV noms — and we all know those will grant anyone immunity from an on-screen death.

Laurence Fishburne as Dr. Ellis Cheever (Academy Award nominations: 1; Golden Globe nominations: 1; Emmy wins: 2; additional Emmy nominations: 3): Since seeing him as Ike Turner, I have come to the conclusion that Fishburne is kind of a badass — a Shakesperian Samuel L. Jackson if you will. He stays out of the brutal Hollywood limelight and has maintained prestige. He’s a huge star, but not as “big” as his co-stars — but he is still a badass. Likelihood of Contagion death: Low Come on — do you really think they would kill off Morpheus?

Jude Law as Alan Krumwiede (Academy Award nominations: 2; Golden Globe nominations: 3; MTV Movie Awards: 4; Teen Choice Award nominations: 2): As you can see from his award track record, he has always been a bridesmaid, never a bride — which says something about his worth as an actor. But then there was that whole nanny incident which amped up his value in the tabloid world. He also has a couple of full-frontal pictures posted on the Internet — I’m sure people would remember him for that rather than his role in Aviator (do you remember?). In the movie, he plays this obnoxious, yet thorough blogger who has a name that sounds like a Hogwart’s professor. Then there’s that fake snaggle tooth (at least I think it’s fake) which makes him even more irritating. Likelihood of Contagion death: High. Even though he plays a great citizen journalist, he just needs a good bitchslap or a heavy dose of the deadly virus.

Gwyneth Paltrow as Beth Emhoff (Academy Award wins: 1; Golden Globe wins: 1; additional Golden Globe nominations: 1; Emmy nominations; MTV Movie Award wins: 1; additional MTV Movie Award nominations: 3; Teen Choice Award nominations: 4): She is the reason why there is an outbreak of a super pig/bat virus. She ruins it for everyone (along with a unsanitary Asian chef and a hot European supermodel). Bottom line is that none of this would’ve happened if she wasn’t have been jeepin’ behind her husbands back. All she needed to do was take some Airborne and use some Purell. Likelihood of Contagion death: Imminent She dies within the first dozen minutes of the movie — which is pretty much shown in the trailer. The death is well-deserved. Paltrow has had so much tabloid coverage and screen time, that we don’t need any more — and don’t even get me started on her stint on Glee or GOOP.

Kate Winslet as Dr. Erin Mears (Academy Award wins: 1; additional Academy Award nominations: 5; Golden Globe wins: 2; additional Golden Globe nominations: 5; Emmy nominations: 2; Number of old women saved from a burning house owned by Richard Branson: 1): She’s way too good to be around these bitches. She doesn’t deserve to die — that’s why she must go. Likelihood of Contagion death: High She goes down in a blaze of glory, but she does it for the good of the movie.

Contagion opens in theaters on September 9