Magic Mike XXL

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It tries to capture the naturalistic Soderberghian “magic” from the first one, but falls short. People will mistake charisma for plot in this one — but who the fuck cares? There’s Channing Tatum doing his thing, abs, bohunk variety lap dances, and all that shit. And sorry, there are no dong shots and barely any ass. Also, I was having a hard time believing that Matt Bomer was a straight male stripper. There was one point when I thought he was going to come out, but turns out his character is just really sensitive. However, I have to give props for including more people of color, though. There’s a whole palatial stripper mansion of black male strippers for black females run by Jada Pinkett Smith. Hot. And finally, enough with “Pony” already. Let’s retire it as the go-to stripper song. It’s time to move on.

Bottom line: Unless you’re having a Woo-girl’s night out, wait till this one gets on Netflix… or just watch Magic Mike again. You’ll get more satisfaction.

Terminator Genisys

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I can’t get on board with Jai Courtney in movies. Sorry. It’s just not going to happen any time soon. Actually, I take that back. I liked him in Divergent, so maybe he just needs to play an asshole in all his movies and I’ll be a fan. As for everything else, this was just another desperate attempt to pump life back into the Terminator franchise. It’s like Hollywood said, “Hey let’s just do a huge mash-up of all the Terminator movies! That’ll be a great idea! It’ll be the greatest movie EVER!” Sadly, it was just wrong, wrong, and more wrong — not to mention convoluted. Bringing Arnold back was cool, I guess. Then there was Emilia Clarke as the iconic Sarah Connor. It didn’t work. Khaleesi did what she could, but she looks too sweet to be the Sarah Connor that I love. She needed to look more damaged, mentally unstable, deranged, and dormant with violence ready to burst. If I had to find a silver lining in all this, I would say that I appreciated Awnahld and Jason Clarke as John Connor-turned-Ultron. If they re-casted Courtney and Khaleesi, there would have been some improvement. Actually, if they just changed the whole story there would have been an improvement. Also, props for casting Byung-hun Lee as a gratuitous way to cater to the Asian markets.

Bottom line: No. It will take a lot more to top T2. Long live Eddie Furlong.

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