Unless you are blind, just got your eyes dilated, suffering from a brain-bleeding overdose/hangover, a very important person (emphasis on VERY) or even if they’re prescription (that is a gray area) there is no need to wear sunglasses indoors.

I especially see this in my quarterly visits to clubs. I see it a lot on men more than women, but that doesn’t matter – the point is, and I repeat: there is no need for indoor sunglasses. It makes you look like a big ol’ douche – a BOD if you will.

That said, there are various levels of douche-osity when it comes to indoor sunglasses. It’s all based on the amount of time that you do wear them upon entering the building. Here’s a little scale to determine an acceptable amount of time to wear those sunnies indoors:

0 to 2 minutes: Very little to no potential for douche-ness. You either forgot that they were still on or you are in a structure that is an area that has quick in-and-out access. (i.e. a parking garage, a subway station et al).

3 to 5 minutes: This is where douche-osity is in its infancy. You may be picking up your dry cleaning, buying a pack of cigarettes or getting something quick to eat from a convenient store. Although you are indoors for a pinch of time, your indoor sunglasses haven’t reached their full douche potential – but it’s getting there.

6 minutes: You are inches away from crossing the Massengill Meridian.

7 to 8 minutes: You are now filling out your paperwork for citizenship to Doucheopolis.

9 to 10 minutes: You have officially reached douchebag status. Your indoor sunglasses have overstayed their welcome. You think you’re cool, but you might as well be a disposable bottle of water and antiseptic vinegar with a flexi-tip for comfort.

>11 minutes: Congratulations. You have become the Senator of Summer’s Eve. If you are wearing them in a dark nightclub or a movie theater (yes, I’ve seen it), you are a deity of all that is douche.

According to the Internet’s deluded “for the people by the people” encyclopedia, Wikipedia, the wallet chain was initially worn by motorcyclists back in the day so that when they rode their bikes, they wouldn’t lose their wallets.

My how times have changed.

I am pretty sure the guys I saw were not motorcyclists. Unless motorcyclists fancy popped collared pink Polos and skinny jeans.

I admit – I jumped on the wallet chain bandwagon circa 2004. I had two. One was thick enough to restrain a Rottweiler. The other one was a lot more decorative (code for gayer) – it draped around my waist and might as well have been a belly chain.

I think I wore them a total of four times each before I realized I was a hardcore poser. In fact, I just clipped them on to my belt loops. It wasn’t even a wallet chain because there was no wallet to accommodate the chain. I have no idea what made me buy the chains to begin with.

Actually, I think – I THINK– I decided to try out the waist décolletage after seeing Justin Timberlake wear it in one of his videos. Wow. Did I just admit that?

Perhaps it’s time to retire the wallet chain. Unless you are a motorcyclist, rockstar, associate of a rockstar or even a janitor, maybe you should pass on the wallet chain. When it comes down to it, the wallet chain is a conch belt for men – and we all know that conch belts are for turquoise jewelry-clad soccer moms named Iris who pride themselves on their hefty collection of Southwestern art and Dreamcatchers.

Yes. That is a banana clip. I saw a lady wearing one and it was majorly intense and was a fierce shade of red. And it was HUGE! It was like a bear trap.

I should’ve taken a picture…but that would’ve been too obvious.