For the past two weeks or so, I have been trying to purchase a pair of YSL Johnny Boots — and it has been one of the most difficult thing tasks of my life.

It is that serious.

These boots, which I affectionately desire, have a two inch heel that I may or may not be able to rock. I may end up looking like a flamenco dancer.

Anyways, I went to the Neimans men’s shoes section, they didn’t have them. When I talked to the salesmen about whether or not they had them online or at another store, he went full-out douche on me and treated me like shit so I just shut him down.

I went to Saks and they didn’t have them in store so I resorted to their online store (I am not a fan of shopping online). They had them, but not in my size. I chatted with a rep online and she told me that she couldn’t find a Saks store that had them in their inventory. No one had them. There is not one single pair on the face of the Earth.

I would go to the YSL store in San Francisco but that closed a long time ago (dammit), so I went to the YSL site and I only saw the Johnny Boot with this detailing that I am not too fond of. So I emailed their online customer service to see if they would possibly have the plain black ones. I also plan on calling them tomorrow.

I will definitely keep you posted because I know you’re dying to know how this epic story ends. It’s so epic that I think it warrants a screenplay.

This past week, Walter Van Beirendonck was a special guest (along with a slew of others) during the Academy of Art University’s “Fashion Week.” I put quotes around “Fashion Week” because it wasn’t a full week — only four days.

But I digress.

The bearded and bejeweled (he wears some intense rings) artist is a part of the Antwerp Six — a posse of designers that includes Marina Yee, Dries Van Noten, Ann Demeulemeester, Dirk Bikkembergs, and Dirk Van Saene (who was also a special guest last week). All of them fascinate me. They are like the cool art kids who sat in the corner of the cafeteria eating nothing but Skittles for lunch and listening to Fiona Apple, Pet Shop Boys and The Cure.

Dirk Van Saene (center) preps a bear to walk the runway at the Berkeley Art Museum as Walter (right) looks on

Needless to say, I admire Mr. Van Beirendonck (remember when I blogged about my penis scarf?). He’s esoteric. He’s interesting. He doesn’t take fashion seriously, yet the craftsmanship of his clothing is impeccable — luxury even. There is this bizarre combination of conceptual vision, pop art, absurdity and cultural commentary that melds together to create something that is off-center, but makes sense. It’s as if he is telling a joke to the fashion industry and they are laughing, but they just act like they get it. I’m not even totally sure if I get it.

Pieces from his GLOW collection

Bottom line: his work is so not boring that I can’t help but be interested.

While he was in San Francisco, I had a couple of encounters with him and contrary to my insecurity, I do not think I was stalking him:

1.) I met him for the first time during our luncheon with all the guests. Actually, I didn’t formally meet him. I just saw him walk in.

2.) I sat next to Walter and Dirk in a van ride on the way to a special “Rebel Rebel: Anti-style” discussion with designer Keanan Duffty. I introduced myself and talked about the weather.

3.) At the pre-reception of Graduation Fashion Show, I was asked to introduce him to some designers who were showing collections.

4.) After the show, I walked up to him, along with all of our special guests and gave them my thanks for visiting our school. This is when I thought I might be stalking him. I think he was taken by surprise that I bombarded him with my politeness, therefore he was creeped out by me.

5.) Our school also helped out with Walter’s re-staging of his S/S 2010 collection at the Berkeley Art Museum (where they used burly bears instead of waify supermodels). It’s a pretty big deal because he never shows in the U.S. I wanted to show my support so I went to MAC: Modern Appealing Clothing (one of the few stores in the country that carry his line) to buy a shirt. It just so happens that Walter and Dirk were there prepping for the show that was to happen on the following day. Again, I bombarded with my pleasantries.

6.) The day of his show at BAM, I, of course, saw them again. I tried to lay low and I think I succeeded. For some reason, if I said hi yet again, I’d be like that lady on Misery.

Even if I am an admirer, I am not a stalker. At his BAM show, I saw many people who were wearing pieces from his past collections. They were SO outrageous it made my Walter polo look tame. If I was a stalker, then I was in a room full of Walter stalkers.

I didn’t even get a seat at the re-staging of his “Wonderfur” collection because I was working the event for the Academy and trying to not look like a stalker — but I did get to stand near the door of where the models entered and exited.

Check out this clip from the finale.

Yes. That’s Walter underwear — and I want a pair.

A guy raises his newly purchased iPad as if it were a 10 Commandments tablet. (Photo credit: Josh Lowensohn/CNET)

On April 3, gaggles of people flocked to Apple stores all over the world for the new iPad. It was as if Apple was selling locks of Justin Bieber hair.

I, on the other hand, opted against the iPad and purchased a pair of Florsheim by Duckie Brown laceless wingtips at Gimme Shoes in Hayes Valley.

I admit that I was tempted to buy an iPad, but after careful debate, I thought a pair of shoes would be more sensible purchase because:

1.) I won’t have to buy a better version of these shoes in 6 months.

2.) My shoes actually have “flash” – figuratively speaking.

3.) I’ve been waiting longer for these special edition shoes by Duckie Brown to come to San Francisco.

4.) These shoes are more versatile. I can dress them up or dress them down. If I carry the iPad everywhere, I will look like I am on the Starship Enterprise. That’s not the look I am going for.

5.) My shoes are not named after a feminine hygiene product. Instead, they have a name of a John Hughes character.

6.) I just look really good in them.

This doesn’t mean that I won’t by an iPad in the future.

Now MAC isn’t your normal San Francisco store. It is the ultimate destination for label whores like myself. It’s kind of like a Barneys but a lot less corporate and a lot more counterculture. It where all the cool kids go to spend their rent money.

Anyways, they are an sartorially avant-gasmic goldmine when it comes to labels – particularly designers who rolled with the Antwerp Six: Dries Van Noten, Martin Margiela and, of course, Walter Van Beirendonck. In fact, they are one of two stores in the nation that carry Walter’s conceptual garb that gleefully violates runway.

His items are brilliant and delightfully offensive. Seeing his pieces gets me excited and actually makes me enjoy fashion rather than criticize it. It’s – and I don’t know if this is appropriate – euphoric and child-like. We’ve been working on a story for him in our magazine, so I have been intrigued about his work.

The store had a gaggle of items on sale from his Fall 2009 Glow collection. So while Cheryl ravaged the racks of Margiela, I violated the racks of Beirendonck and ended up getting this:

Yes, that’s a naked little man (or woman, depending on how you look at it) on the scarf. It epitomizes Walter’s playfully exhibitionist aesthetic – but that’s not his entire aesthetic. His style is provocatively sci-fi and very irreverent. In a nutshell, he has an anti-fashion appeal.

Anyways, people don’t really notice it until you point it out – which is what I did all day. I walked around my office (and to random people on the street) saying, “LOOK! MY SCARF HAS A PENIS!”.

Thus far, it is my best purchase from a winter sale.

I need a pair of leather gloves. And I need them now.

I have been on this search for a while and I still haven’t found a pair that fits me like – well – a glove. Either they are too loose, too tight or are just plain ugly. I want a pair of sleek gloves that are sleek, modern and give the slightest hint of O.J.

I don’t want a pair of fingerless driving gloves similar to those of Karl Lagerfeld. For one, I find fingerless gloves pointless unless you are a Pussycat Doll. Second, I don’t have a car with a wooden steering wheel that calls for a pair of gloves of the leather variety. Third, they wouldn’t keep my hands warm. Lastly, even though Lagerfeld makes them look “cool,” he just creeps me out.

To be more precise, I would like gloves like Watson’s (Jude Law) in Sherlock Holmes:

A while back I was at the Paul Smith when Scott Schuman came to our city for his book signing. After getting my book signed, I was browsing the leather glove buffet provided by the store and none of them fit me the way I wanted. I was chatting with some other event goers about my conundrum.

“I want some murderous, form fitting gloves that would make me look cool,” I said.

The gentleman I was conversing with looked out my hands and furrowed his brow and said – and I swear, he said it with a slight scoff, “You might want to look in the women’s section.”

Should I feel insulted by his comment about my abnormally dainty hands? Actually, I don’t think they are that small, but this dude made me feel hand-conscious.

And FYI – I did try on some women’s gloves and they were too small.

This leaves me with two choices: 1.) Find a person who makes custom gloves – would you call him/her a glove cobbler? or 2.) Find a protein supplement that immediately bulks up my hands.

Other suggestions are welcome.

* This week’s episode of Glee offends the disabled…

* …but Defying Gravity still happily plays on repeat in my head.

* Mad Men had its super-poignant and orgasmically emotional season finale. Now my Sundays are empty and lonely.

* Luckily, January Jones will be hosting SNL tomorrow in an attempt to fill that void.

*Carrie Prejean digs herself into a bigger moron hole not once…

* …but twice!

* Minnie Driver is set to join the cast of Modern Family – the best show you probably aren’t watching.

* The latest protest fad in San Francisco: Hotel workers.

* 50-cent promotes his fragrance at Macy’s in SF. So that’s where he’s been all this time!

* Liu Wen becomes the first Asian Victoria’s Secret model. It’s about damn time.

* Emanuel Ungaro calls Lindsay Lohan’s collection a disaster. Is he just now realizing this?

* Speaking of disaster, Ashlee Simpson thinks she can be fashion designer.

* Meanwhile, in the world of real fashion designers, Jason Wu is set to design a capsule collection for TSE.

* First thing on my Christmas wishlist: Martin Margiela Chunky Jumper

* One word to describe Esquire’s augmented reality issue: Awesome.

* Madonna is the new face for Dolce & Gabbana because she needs to earn more money somehow.

- And there’s no other way to celebrate an H&M collabo by suing your mom. Yes, we’re talking to you Tamara Mellon.

- Angelina Jolie is slated to play Patrizia Reggiano in Ridley Scott’s Gucci movie. No complaints here.

- Need another way to obsess about Michelle Obama’s fashion sense? Well, today is your lucky day.

- Lady Gaga and Beyonce do a collabo. The world vomits pleasure.

- Apparently fashion had a good time when they had a night out in September that they are going to do it again. In 2010. Don’t worry, they have plenty of time to plan.

- Natalie Portman gets crunk about being a vegetarian.

- …then she and Padma Lakshmi talk about putting pricks on their tongue on Top Chef.

- The Bay Bridge snafu may leave commuters frustrated, but what about the car that actually got whipped by the falling cable?

- THANK GOD. It’s about time someone made a movie about the Chippendales.

- Can Sergei Sviatchenko be the new Internet dandy? I think so.

- Danny Roberts’s Coco Rocha pumpkin. The best Halloween decoration. Ever.

- Adam Lambert + new album cover = Poison circa Look What the Cat Dragged In

- Just make sure you don’t confuse his new album cover with Rihanna’s.

- But all this pales in comparison to the new pop sensation, Subtle Sexuality.

- DJ Hero hits game consoles and all Jay-Z can talk about is pizza.

Photos courtesy of Wire Image

From a certain perspective, the boys from Viktor & Rolf did the expected at Paris Fashion Week. They gave the fashion community something to raise their eyebrows at: a collection of gowns that look like they’d be more appropriate as A.) something you’d see in some sort of Cirque du Soleil freak show complete with dismembered and Swiss cheese evening gowns or B.) something you would see at Bath & Body Works (please reference this gigantic loofah) .

From another perspective, the boys presented us with something unexpected to talk about and make us play this “Why did they do this?” guessing game. Are all the sliced and diced garments a metaphor for our economy that is in shambles? Is it some sort of social commentary of how fashion can be self-mutilating? Or are they just saying, “Look at us! We’re cool and avant garde!” Or are they really, genuinely bored with fashion? Is this strategically cut up and ridiculously fun collection a slap in the face to people who take the world of fashion too seriously? The world may never know.

Looking past the loofahs and holey gowns, some of the pieces are actually wearable. It is no doubt that each of the garments are beautifully made, but the directional garments are the memorable ones. Whether that is smart or silly is for the general public to decide. Unless the world simultaneously decides to dress like Lady Gaga, I seriously doubt we will see that huge one shouldered gown that looks like a deep sea creature on the racks of Barneys. I don’t think it would even fit on a rack:

Finally. I’ve been waiting for someone to create a monstrous feathered headdress for everyday use.

I love Gareth Pugh. Sure, no normal human being would actually wear these aviary Gothic Mad Max pieces from the spring 2010 collection – but they do make for good conversation. PLUS there were exposed breasts – and who doesn’t like a little mammary action on the runway?

This is the first post about Fashion Week since I was in New York – even when I was in New York, I hardly posted anything on any shows because, frankly, there really wasn’t anything tickling my pickle at the tents.

It took Scott’s Flintstones inspired collection at London Fashion Week to inspire me to actually write something about what’s coming down the runway. With his collection, I can’t help but think, “Is he punking us? Or is he actually for real?” It is just this literal interpretation of our favorite domestic stone age family.

As a bathing suit or underwear, I think some of these garments would work with some editing. Other than that, I have no idea who or what would wear this. Is it art? Or is this just a way for Scott to say, “If you’re going to let me put on a fashion show, I am going to send down a bunch of cartoony malarky down the runway just because…”

Is there method to his madness? Or is he just giving a big middle finger to the fashion world?

All of a sudden, I am craving Fruity Pebbles.