…but alas, I am a lowly writer and the big wigs at FB don’t care about what I think – but maybe this time, my suggestions can induce change in this social networking site that is becoming a sad excuse of a technological soul for people’s lives – including my own.

That said, if we are going to have to endure another Facebook format change, then I demand the following:

1.) Please include a “People you do not want to know” feed in the margin.

2.) And while you’re at it, you might also want to include a “People you don’t want to have anything to do with” feed.

3.) An option to go back to the “old school” Facebook layout. Wait a second, can Facebook already be “old school?”

4.) Please discourage people to use the term, “Facebook me.”

5.) There should also be an option that publicly announces the “de-friending” of a friend. It’s the perfect solution to breaking up with a friend – everyone has been in that position before. If not, there is definitely someone on your FB that you want to de-friend, but you have just been putting it off because you don’t want to risk hurting their feelings.

Now that’s outta the way…I finally replaced my janky little Nokia with a Blackberry (thanks to my Mom and Dad – it was a Christmas gift!). Nothing too extravagant, just the plain, run-of-the-mill Blackberry Curve. Now I can catch up on all my emails on BART and at the same time, take stealth pics of ugly people on the train.

When it comes to technology, I am behind the times. I get the “it” phone long after the “it” factor expires. Nonetheless, I am having quite a time with this little handheld wonder. I even text people just for the hell of it and check my email on it while sitting in front of my computer. It’s quite annoying and fun at the same time.

Now you may be asking, “Why didn’t you get an iPhone?” Well, as fancy as the iPhone is, I decided that the Blackberry would make me look more like an asshole…let me explain..

You see, I have this theory that an iPhone makes you look like a douchebag and a Blackberry makes you look like an asshole. I picture an iPhone owner as a sleazy businessman who tells unfunny jokes and shows off all his new applications to his mistress while DL’ing rap music to make himself look cool. The iPhone guy is really into himself and loves looking at his reflection on an blank iPhone screen for hours on end. As for the Blackberry owner, he is a guy who works non-stop, is rude to everyone, stressed out all the time, hates people in general and is rough around the edges. You can find him screaming on his cell or angrily typing on his small BB keyboard. He likes the feel of the clacking keys. It makes him powerful and adds audio to his abrasiveness.

I thought the latter fit me better.

I want David “Chris-Daughtry-Redux-but-not-really” Cook to win, but I am sure David “Baby-Face-Monchichi” Archuleta is going to take it. This is purely based on the tween squeal-o-meter I have connected to my television.

Anyways, is it me or does Archuleta look like someone just killed his puppy each time he faces the judges? And, surprisingly, it happens more when he gets a compliment from them. He also looks awkward and uncomfortable with his hands cupped to his side. But if Narnia had a pop star, Archuleta would be it hands down.

Aslan, Mr. Tumnus and all his fellow Narnians would be proud.

Isn’t it so funny how one year ago these two people were just average Joe’s and now when you Google them, thousands upon thousands of frenzied sites and images come up.

When I Google Image myself, there’s this sweaty picture of me doing the salsa.

But this season is extra special. Because there is a crazy-ass stage dad on the show – thanks to David Archuleta.

I love stage parents. They are the most freakishly annoying fuckers out there. They push and push and push their kids to the brink of insanity. It is so beautiful! Stage parents are as intriguing as those dowdy ladies in that polygamist sect.

But David’s case is even better because it’s a father, Jeff, causing all the unnecessary ruckus. Usually, I see big haired crazy-eyed women with big blond hair taking the role of dranged stage parent.

Apparently, he’s been picking all of David’s songs, sparring with the producers, causing problems with other contestants and he even attempted to change the words to “Stand by Me” when David performed it! That is some wild ass shit right there!

His performance of “With You” last night was really awkward – maybe he needed his dad’s help with that one.

His dancing makes me feel odd.

That said, if all the rumors about his dad is true, how much of David is David and how much is his father?

Bottom line, stage parents are just trying to program their kids to live out a dream that they never achieved when they were younger.

I am so going to be a stage dad, pushing my son/daughter to be a gold-medal rhythmic gymnast Olympian and a clogging superstar.

And is it me or does David Archuleta look like a hybrid of an mongoloid Ewok, a Popple and Build-a-Bear that has been brought to life.

So I just got back from a screening of Speed Racer and I don’t really want to write a review about it right now because I am too lazy. (yes I saw an early pre screening – one of the perks of the job that makes up for low pay) But I will say that it was like watching a non-sexual visual orgy of CGI effects that popped off the screen and made my eyes widen with frantic delight. I also will say that epileptics shouldn’t watch the movie.

I will write something more on that later.

But as soon as I came home I flipped on my TV to watch my DVR’d episode of American Idol. After watching it on DVR, I realized that anyone can watch this show in 20 minutes because I fast forward through the superfluous amount of commercials and the unnecessary banter between the judges. I just watch the singing – and tonight I was really diggin’ Syesha.

Honestly, I don’t think she is going to win because based on the squeals of tweens, its going to be between the two Davids. It’s inevitable. I enjoy David Cook as well. I think he is going to take it. Actually, I hope he takes the AI crown. David Archuleta is cute and all, but c’mon – he is so awkward. Don’t get me wrong, the boy could sing, but when I hear him talk, it’s like he’s nervously doing a scripted presentation in front of his 5th grade social studies class. The boy isn’t articulate. Cook, on the other hand, is well rounded – he can sing, he can talk and he seems like that rock n’ roll cool guy that everyone likes.

As for Archuleta’s supposed pageant dad – I don’t even want to touch that…maybe I will at a later date, but right now I want to talk about Jason Castro. How much weed did this mother fucker smoke before he performed tonight?

Well, whether he does smoke weed or not – the whole “singer-songwriter likeable stoner” vibe is just getting annoying. During his interviews he’s twiddling his thumbs while blankly staring at the camera and giggling his words. Sure, there’s a market for his Jack Johnson appeal, but as for tonight, homeboy would’ve gotten more rave reviews if he just smoked a bong on stage. I was so not entertained by his musical stylings.

He has to go home this week.

I haven’t been to the movies in a while, so I decided to take a gander at Kimberly Peirce’s latest opus, Stop-Loss, her follow up to the masterpiece that is Boys Don’t Cry.

For those of you who don’t know the story (I don’t know why you wouldn’t), let me lay it out for you: Brandon (Ryan Phillippe) returns home from Iraq and gets “stop-lossed.” According to Wikipedia it is defined as…

In the United States military, is the involuntary extension of a service member’s enlistment contract in order to retain them beyond the normal end term of service (ETS) or the ceasing of a permanent change of station (PCS) move for a member still in military service. Federal courts have consistently found that military service members contractually agree that their term of service may be involuntarily extended.

He refuses to go back and goes AWOL with his buddy, Steve’s (Channing Tatum) gal, Michelle (Abbie Cornish) – don’t worry, it’s strictly platonic – while Steve and their other buddy Tommy(Joseph Gordon-Levitt) stay at home and cope with the post traumatic stress of war.

What I liked: I loved Peirce’s exploration of the screwy concept of stop-loss, which many people, including myself did not know about. All of the pretty boys wore emotion very well, but it’s Cornish who stole the show for me. I actually remember seeing her in a little indie flick called Somersault at the South by Southwest Film Festival in Austin a couple years back (read my poorly written review here). I wrote something like, “Although it had many great elements and pensive afterthoughts, I thought it would’ve been better as a short.” I had no idea what the fuck I was talking about. Cornish was a phenomenal addition to the hunky pretty boy fest.

What I didn’t like: Cornish stood out to me the most – and that was the problem. Although it is endearing to see attractive men get flooded with emotion, they didn’t quite reach that level that Cornish was at. And what was the deal with all the cowboy hats? The movie illustrated Texas as a 24/7 hoedown with target practice breaks at the ranch. I lived in Texas for years and I never saw anything like that. I must’ve been living in the wrong part of the state.

Bottom line: The movie of patriotic morality hit the mark just enough for me to enjoy it. I give it a B- for educational value, masculine emotion and Abbie Cornish.

After giving my bank account a ridiculous work out, I went to dinner at Viva in SF’s happenin’ North Beach with Arnold, Marivic and Shubha.

We had stimulating mature conversation which included subjects like American Idol and walking in on people using the bathroom.

Afterwards, we went to Gelateria Naia for some delicious gelato…

I love me some gelato. I remember when I was living in Austin, they would pile on that shit into a cup. It would spill over the sides and make a hot mess, leading me to lick the sides of the cup with sweet smacking joy.

But here in the Bay Area, they are a little conservative with their gelato serving. They level the cup off. This has happened to me in various gelato establishments in Walnut Creek, Mountain View, Berkeley and now, San Francisco.

As a hearty eater, I am very disappointed at this. They need to pile it high. Make us fat. Make us lactose intolerant people indulge in a feast of sweetness that would later induce milky gas.

By no means am I knocking Naia – they had some top-notch gelato. I mixed their pomegranate with coconut milk and it was like a dessert orgy in my mouth. I just want them to fit as much of that milky stuff into that small plastic cup as they can.

Okay. I am done with my rant.

Alice and Paul opted for some cocktails. Apparently, they are just as fun as they look.

There was a special on appetizers: $5 with a purchase of an entree. We took full advantage of this deal, each of us getting an appetizer to share. Paul got the deep-fried green beans, which is totally healthy because it is green beans. The dipping sauce was quite delectable – it was some sort of wasabi concoction.

For more deep-fried fun, I indulged in the deep-fried mac n’ cheese. This shit was fucking good. It is like a heart attack on a plate.

Alice got some sort of encrusted chicken quesadilla with chocolate sauce drizzle. Okay, I don’t know what that is on top.

As a vegetarian, Paul gave this interesting Caprese Lasagna Salad two thumbs up. This is as avant garde as it gets with the TGIFrriday’s menu.

Alice’s Peruvian Herb Roasted Chicken was the restaurant’s attempt to be exotic – and Alice liked it. And you can never go wrong with sweet potato fries. Those were fucking good.

I have made it a rule of thumb never to get salmon from a commercial restaurant. My honey pecan salmon was “eh.” Good thing I kept eating Alice’s sweet potato fries.

You can never go wrong with apple pie, caramel sauce and ice cream – but I think it was unnecessary to serve it on a hot iron skillet for dramatic effect. I did lick that bowl of caramel sauce clean. It was very attractive.

I had really bad gas after eating here.

So far, we have come to a consensus in ranking the restaurants of our chain restaurant tour:

1. Olive Garden
2. TGIFriday’s
3. Red Lobster
4. Chili’s

Our next stop: Claim Jumper!

There is one restroom at work that I frequent. The urinals are very close together. If there wasn’t a partition between the two of them, people using the urinals would be standing shoulder to shoulder.

It’s the strangest thing when someone tries to make conversation with you while you are handling your business. I mean, you’re holding your penis and someone wants to talk to you about the new front end system we’re using to produce our copy?

I feel really awkward when someone tries to strike up conversation while I am in urination mode. What’s even more awkward is when the conversation starts and then ends very quickly. The silence is filled with two streams of pee hitting a urinal cake. I’m just thinking, “now what?”

I would prefer people remain silent while we drain our bladders. Save the conversation for when we are washing our hands. Then again, some people don’t wash their hands – and that’s another story.

Isn’t it odd how a lot of my stories from work involve the men’s restroom?

I look scary

It’s been nearly two months since I saw Spring Awakening in New York and I am still listening to the musical soundtrack about sex, homosexuality, body exploration, free-thinking, child molestation, suicide and abortion.

It is tons o’ family fun.

I hate to say it, but it’s my new Rent.

I’m not saying that I am totally cutting Rent out of my life, it’s just that S.A. is all the rage for me until it fades.

Even so, there are songs from S.A. that are synonymous to songs from Rent therefore making it seem like I am not cheating on the urban bohemian extravaganza.

“All That’s Known” is my new “One Song Glory”: Melchior’s introductory anthem is much like Roger’s in that the song tells much about their character and their goals in life.

“The Bitch of Living” is my new “Rent”: Both are group numbers that are rebellious and catchy.

“The Word of Your Body” is my new “Light my Candle”: Melchior and Wendla’s duet isn’t as flirty and fun as Roger and Mimi’s but the songs add meat to the romantic relationships of the leading man and woman.

“Left Behind” is my new “I’ll Cover You (Reprise)”: (spoiler alert) Mortiz’s song of mourning is just as soul stirring as the ode to Angel.

“Totally Fucked” is my new “La Vie Boheme”: Both are full company songs with lots o’ energy and have everyone dancing and singing. Honestly, I just like the fact that S.A. used the word FUCK in one of their numbers.

“Purple Summer” is my new “Seasons of Love”: Both involve seasons and serve as an iconic musical piece that will probably be sung by high school choirs everywhere.

Wow. I just looked at my dissertation. I don’t know if I am gayer or dorkier for doing all of that.