The Bourne Legacy could possibly be the most mind-blowing, bone-cracking action movie of the year (unless a Crank 3 comes out). Jeremy Renner has graduated to the next level of action star from Mission Impossible – Ghost Protocol to become the amnesiac killing machine who, based on the trailer, is from Reno and likes to construct MacGyver-like weaponry out of fire extinguisher and nails. Check it out:

The Bourne Legacy also stars Bourne alums Joan Allen, David Strathairn, and Albert Finney as well as Rachel Weisz, Edward Norton, Stacy Keach, and Oscar Isaac. The movie opens August 3, 2012. That gives you PLENTY of time to brush up on your Bourne knowledge!

The Vow opens on Friday — just in time for Valentine’s Day! I know all of y’all are ready to cry at the sight of Channing Tatum trying to make a amnesiac Rachel McAdams fall in love with him all over again. I know I am ready to shed a few tears and I am almost certain this movie will be great emotional porn.

In any matter, I am just as excited to see that Scott Speedman plays a big douche in the movie. My love for Scott exists mainly because of his iconic role of lovable meathead, Ben Covington on my favorite show of all time Felicity. In a recent interview with Liane Bonin Starr on HitFix, he gave all of us Felicity fans hope for a Felicity reunion:

I hope J.J. Abrams and Keri Russell are listening because we need to make this drug addled Ben a reality!

This is so going on my vision board.

It’s still Kirsten Dunst-less. Still Toby Maguire-less. Lots of Andrew Garfield speaking in an American accent. Lots of leaping. Lots of webby fingers. Lots of a non-redheaded Emma Stone. Lots of other comic book action and even though it was directed by 500 Days of Summer‘s Marc Webb, it does not look adorkable. I’ll shut the hell up and let you watch the trailer.

Now that Madonna has single-handedly blessed us with world peace via a non-whorish Super Bowl performance, I am officially convinced that her new single, “Give Me All Your Luvin’” deserves its own iPod shuffle.

The caged go-go dancing track is drenched in swingin’ ’60s organ synth and blatantly (and briefly) features the skillz of Nicki Minaj and M.I.A.. They are all friends now. Remember how Madge and Justin Timberlake were BFFs for her last album? It’s kind of like that.

With it’s “Oh Mickey you’re so fine” appeal, the song hypnotizes me and makes me think that I am happy — kind of like the video. It’s surreal, odd, creepy, conveniently football-themed, looks expensively low budget, and has Madonna breastfeeding a toy baby. It’s kind of like being a voyeur in a really weird wet dream of an awkward closeted junior varsity football player.

Take note: airplane overhead storage compartments are deadlier than they appear.

Immediately after watching Ralph Feinnes Shakespeare-to-screen film, Coriolanus, I thought, “I kind of liked Maid in Manhattan better. I am totally joking…kind of.

As I was talking with a fellow movie writer about the film, he was commenting on how the movie wasn’t that great. He was venting about how it is so difficult and sometimes a mistake to try to adapt Shakespeare to a modern times as the film did. My response was, “I thought the film was pretty.”

Nonetheless, as I was trolling the internet, I came across a review of the movie by Matt Bochenski from a UK-based site called Little White Lies. Seeing as though the movie is rich with UK “style” and actors, I thought his review would be ideal to discuss. Also, Matt was one of the only ones didn’t contribute to the movie’s “certified freshness” on RottenTomatoes.com. His pull quote featured on the site said the following:

No more Shakespeare until we agree it needs to be translated into real English, please.

This is almost EXACTLY what my fellow movie writer was saying. The archaic language makes Shakespeare movies very difficult to digest.

Matt’s review uses this as the core of his opinion — and a strong opinion it is. He even goes to say that “…there’s no place for William Shakespeare in cinema.” That is a tad extreme, but I do see the validity in his rant. If you’re going to do Shakespeare, DO SHAKESPEARE. Do it in the appropriate time period. Make it a period piece. (let’s hope that Carlo Carlei’s upcoming adaptation of Romeo and Juliet follows this rule).

If someone does a modern-day interpretation of a Shakespeare play, make it exactly that: an interpretation. 10 Things I Hate About You did it with Taming of the Shrew and it turned out to be the most AWESOME movie. Or if people must insist on doing a word-for-word adaptation of a Shakespeare play — do it in a hyper-reality. Make it a fantasy that distracts us from the archaic language. Julie Taymor did it with Titus and Baz Luhrmann catered to the MTV generation with his music video take on Romeo + Juliet. They weren’t the greatest movies, but they did manage to make us visually happy.

Matt goes on to talk about the “dull drone of a dead language” and the movie’s plot, which I got lost in because I was too busy trying to figure out what the hell they were talking about. In other words, the movie will make many feel dumb and stroke the egos of those who love to hang on Shakespeare’s nuts.

And so Coriolanus unfolds in agonising monologues as the savagely patrician General wins and loses the support of the citizenry in a time of crisis, turns traitor and is in turn betrayed for his sins.

So basically, some big-time general gets hated on by the people of Rome during war time; then gains their love; then loses their respect; then gets banished; then meets up with Rome’s enemy; then joins their side, making him a traitor and then eventually gets (spoiler alert) killed by the enemy. All of this and we are treated to the screen presence of Vanessa Redgrave, Brian Cox, Jessica Chastain, and Gerard Butler.

Good Lord, typing that explanation gave me an aneurysm.

Matt goes on to say:

The problem is that Fiennes has failed to inject one of the Bard’s most talky texts with any cinematic impetus. On stage, all that posturing, that capital-A acting – that fucking monologuing – may well be spellbindingly powerful. But cinema is, well, many things but it’s not a stage – it doesn’t reward impassivity and grandstanding. And it especially doesn’t reward it in what is, essentially, a foreign language.

That’s some prolific writing there.

I do get what Mr. Bochenski is saying here. Sure, the script for this movie was groomed for an “actor” — it IS Shakespeare. But it was written for stage, not screen and perhaps this kind of language should stay on the stage. Fiennes deserves a round of applause for his directing skills and all of the actors acted the shit out of this movie, but too bad it was a movie whose language has as much significance as an Discman in 2012.

Coriolanus is currently playing in select theaters and opens in wider release on Friday

If you can name which Wes Anderson movies each of these shots are from, then you are a really good person.

I am seriously thinking of creating a “money shot” montage.