To make matters worse, there were no press screenings for the movie in San Francisco which meant one of two things: A.) it was so bad that they didn’t want press to leak early reviews showcasing it’s primordial suckiness or B.) it was just that bad. Releasing it to the press would be like Long John Silver’s catering a Thanksgiving meal at a fat farm.

I, being the open-minded person that I am, gave this film a chance. I deflected all of the reviews and negative buzz around the movie. I went in with no expectations.

Then the movie started.

I inhaled deeply like a woman in labor while watching the two-dimensional acting provided by hottie du jour, Channing Tatum (who played Duke). I sat through the initial eye candy of explosions upon explosions upon explosions. I even turned a blind eye to the blatant token black guy quips provided by Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) – but they were funny.

Sienna Miller as the Baroness – love the belt buckle.

The plot was like that of a B-movie. A weapons magnate named McCullen (played by Christopher Eccleston, who will soon become – spoiler alert – the silver-faced Destro) invents these nanobytes things that can destroy metal and stuff. From the get go, we know he’s up to no good. He seems like he’s making them for our military but it turns out he’s invented them for the bad guys which includes the mangled mad scientist Rex or “The Doctor” (the soon-to-be Cobra Commander played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt), The Baroness (Sienna Miller), the badass ninja dude, Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee) and a whole band of soldiers who are infested with these nanobytes, which can apparently control people’s minds as well.

THEN there’s a whole orgy of flashbacks that links Duke with the Baroness and Rex; Storm Shadow with Snake Eyes (Ray Park) and it just gets really messy and convoluted – and Dennis Quaid as Hawk? C’mon Quaid, I know you can do better than that. And don’t EVEN get me started on Cobra Commander’s mask at the end.

I can see why people can hate this movie.

Storm Shadow (left) and Snake Eyes throw down

Then, about 45 minutes or so through all the FX diarrhea and stale acting, The Baroness said one line that made me chuckle. She was shooting up some building and forced a woman to get out of an elevator saying, “Out of the elevator bitch!” (or something like that) – then after a perfect beat she said, “Nice shoes though!”

This made me realize one thing: the movie is supposed to be fun. They are not trying to make this all deep and meaningful with muddled bullcorn. They are trying to be what everyone has been waiting for: a summer movie full of nonsense action and mediocre acting (Transformers 2 didn’t quench that thirst for me). We don’t need any cinematic overtures right now. That’s what Oscar season is for.

I let down my guard and released the grip on my pompous, self-righteous critical eye and just had fun with it. By doing that, I was able to relive those times when I had my G.I. Joe action figures go at war with the evil terrorist organization known as Cobra. It made me flashback to those days when I would make plastic military vehicles with intricate decals explode. It made me remember those days when I would dismember action figures that didn’t cooperate. It made me remember how much G.I. Joe was a major part of my childhood.

Isn’t that touching?

Sure, they may have totally raped the mythology with this whole Duke and Baroness love story. They even twisted the knife by adding Cobra Commander into the mix.

But I didn’t really care. This movie was just mindless for me – and that’s what I needed. Apparently, that’s what a lot of people need as well. The movie opened at number one domestically for the weekend box office with $56.2 million dollars. And apparently it wasn’t a total cluster fuck because they are already talking about a sequel.

If you’re looking for a G.I. Joe movie that follows the original cartoon and comic book verbatim – this ain’t for you. If you’re just looking to stare at a screen and watch things explode, then perhaps you should consider this cinematic drivel.

Let’s just be happy at the fact that Sienna didn’t attempt a Russian accent with The Baroness.

Optimus Prime (voiced by Peter Cullen) gives Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf) a fatherly lecture in a cemetery – because that’s the perfect place for a fatherly lecture

From the moment I saw a caveman on the screen in the opening scene of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, I knew I was in for a bittersweet treat. Yes, you heard that right: caveman. No I am not getting this confused with the lukewarm comedy film Year One (very disappointing by the way), I am talking about our favorite robots in disguise. Autobots. Decepticons. Shia. Megan. The whole shebang – and a shebang it was…sort of.

The second chapter of this robotic saga brings us up to speed with Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf) and his hot, to-good-for-him, girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox). He’s going to Princeton, she’s working at a bike shop that requires her to wear Daisy Duke shorts and lip smacking make up. He finds a piece of the Allspark cube from the first movie hidden away in his battle wounded hoodie. He picks it up and that’s when all hell breaks loose.

The little fragment sparks (no pun intended) Sam’s inner Raymond Babbitt/John Nash and he starts seeing these characters and becomes an idiot savant in his Astronomy class. Turns out that the fragment of the Allspark implanted clues in his head to where the Decepticons can find a big ol’ machine that can blow up the sun. In turn, Megatron (voiced by Hugo Weaving) returns from the dead to get some revenge and another ancient badass robot named the Fallen (voiced by Tony Todd) is there with him.

Let me back up for a second.

So it turns out the whole Transformers phenomenon goes way back into time before Megan Fox was getting compared to Angelina Jolie and when men wore loincloths (which would explain the aforementioned cavemen). The Fallen was a part of that crew and he got exiled for wanting to blow up suns and making the whole universe a land suitable for Emo and Scene kids.

Yes, the plot is pretty much your basic “take over the world” storyline with transforming cars. All in all, it’s a muddled storyline eclipsed by really cool and complicated CGI that is too much for the eyes to take in.

Nonetheless, once they figure out Sam has the key to the sun obliterator. The Decepticons go after him with a vengeance, which makes the Autobots spring into action.

Luckily, the Autobots (Optimus Prime, Ironhide, Ratchet and some new annoying twin bots named Mudflap and Skids) have created this budding ro-bromance with a new top secret sector called NEST which includes Josh Duhamel’s character and his band of merry men (Tyrese is included in that mix – and by the way, when is he gonna come out with a new album?).

After all of this is set up, we all get to have an eyegasm of intertwined robots and – all together now – Megan Fox sans Ugg boots and sweats.

One of many scenes in which LaBeouf and Fox run.

Ultimately, the formula went like this: Explosion. Robot. Fight. Transform. Actors run. Repeat that for 144 minutes and you got yourself a sequel with Michael Bay’s name written all over it.

I had a multitude of Transformers when I was a young lad. When I played with them in my suburban home in San Antonio, TX, my fight scenes were more elaborate and exciting – maybe it’s because I often did cross toy product wars with G.I. Joe and sometimes my sister’s Barbie dolls, but that’s neither here or there.

At one point I stopped caring about whether or not Sam was going to get a magical Matrix to (possible spoiler alert) to save a Transformer’s life whose name rhymes with Schmoptimus Crime. Even when the super-Decepticon Devastator showed up on the screen I wasn’t that excited. I had this particular Transformer toy when I was a child. It was basically six construction vehicles (appropriately called Constructicons) that formed together and made a gigantic robot (much like Voltron). It was fluorescent green and purple and it was SO cool. The movie version of the Devastator was like a hybrid of a robotic dog and a vacuum cleaner. Very disappointing.

Bumblebee (voiced by Mark Ryan) kicks some Decepticon boo-tay

This ride of seizure-inducing transforming fight scenes and gratuitous explosions was quite exhausting. And how necessary was it to bring in Isabel Lucas as a evil temptress that weighs as much as a bucket of air? If it was an attempt to produce another hottie, they failed miserably. Fox has the monopoly on that.

Thank God John Turturro (he’s back as the irritating Agent Simmons) and newbie Ramon Rodriguez (who plays Sam’s roommate Leo) were there to provide comic relief amongst the gag-worthy “Who’s going to say ‘I love you first’?” battle between LeBouf’s and Fox’s characters. Honorable mention goes to Julie White and Kevin Dunn as Sam’s kooky parents.

Without a doubt I am a fan of LaBeouf and I admire the signature Spielberg boy-and-alien friendship with the endearing yellow Camaro Bumblebee, but even LeBeouf’s “He’s the next Tom Hanks” charm didn’t give me the summer blockbuster joyride I had with the first one.