The movie has all the Soderberghian panache: jazzy music, clean cuts, tight editing, and those fight scenes are so visceral that I think I may have fractured something. The movie was good and all, but I would like it a lot better if they would have included some of the popular internet memes from 2011 into the mix — as shown below:

Scumbag Steve looks on as Carano gives it to Fassbender:

Rebecca Black joyrides through the streets of Barcelona whilst Carano and Tatum shoot at bad guys:

The Shit Girls Says girl makes a surprise appearance:

Carano does magic with a Cat Gun:

Carano flies high with the Nyan Cat:

The OCCUPY Pepper Spray Guy and Carano double team Tatum:

Haywire opens in theaters today.

It’s that time of the week again — it’s time to check out news that I have skillfully plucked from my Facebook and Twitter feed. Enjoy.

As a person who owns the original 21 Jump Street TV series on DVD, you can only imagine how excited/apprehensive (or “exprehensive,” if you will) I was when they announced the movie adaptation.

Today, the red band trailer has hit the Interwebs, I am happy to say that it looks pretty damn good — mainly because this trailer is laden with curse words and uses the phrase “beat your dick off”:

Well look at that — Channing Tatum can do comedy! And him paired with Jonah Hill? I think I am detecting a “Best Couple of 2012″ award in their future!

From the looks of it, this ain’t even a remake — it’s a reboot. (Spoiler alert: apparently, Johnny Depp makes a cameo.)

Even though they didn’t use any of my casting choices, I am looking forward to this. I am exprehensive.

Yesterday it was announced that Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill were confirmed for the cast of the movie adaptation of 21 Jump Street. More than that, the odd acting couple are executive producers on the film. Phil Lord and Chris Miller (Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs) are slated to direct and Michael Bacall (Scott Pilgrim vs. the World) heads a team of writers for the screenplay.

The OGs of “21 Jump Street” (counterclockwise from left: Johnny Depp, Holly Robinson Peete, Dustin Nguyen, Peter Deluise, Steven Williams)

As much as I am growing tired of these remakes, adaptations, and, my personal fave, “re-imaginings,” I am actually curious about this. More than that, I am wondering who will fill the other roles. Here are my picks:

Channing Tatum as Officer Tom Hanson: I am making a guess that he will be playing the charming heartthrob detective with just the right amount of edge that was once filled by Johnny Depp — but according to oh-so-reliable IMDb.com, some dude named Shiloh Fernandez is rumored to be Hanson. My vote is for Tatum and his fully-recovered penis.

Jonah Hill as Officer Doug Penhall: Peter Deluise originally played Penhall who shared a nice bromance with Hanson. I can see this happening between Channing and Jonah. They can develop one of those annoying cutesy fused couple names like “Channah” or “Jonning” or “Chanjo.”

Zoe Saldana as Officer Judy Hoffs: Why not? She’s so hot right now. Might as well keep the momentum going. Maybe she can sing the theme song like Holly Robinson (who originally played Hoffs) did on the TV show.

Steven Yeun as Officer Harry Truman Ioki: He’s doing such a great job in The Walking Dead, why shouldn’t he fill in the Asian American role once held by Dustin Nguyen? Second choice would be Glee‘s Harry Shum Jr. — Ioki could totally be a awesome pop lockin’ detective.

Viola Davis as Captain Adam Fuller: Another woman in the mix wouldn’t hurt — especially in a leadership role. Steven Williams led these undercover hipster tattletales after Frederic Forrest‘s groovy portrayal of Captain Richard Jenko bowed out after five episodes. Viola Davis could play a hard ass and whip these kids into shape. Plus, her acting chops would elevate the thespian level of the movie.

Richard Grieco as Officer Dennis Booker: Forget Johnny Depp, Holly Robinson Peete and the whole lot of them. Having Grieco make a cameo in the movie would be the awesomest.

While Channing Tatum and Amanda Seyfried were in San Francisco, they made an appearance at Macy’s. I took some footage with my Mino and thought I would make a little video using my broadcast media skills (please note the lower case “b” in “broadcast”).

Here’s what I came up with:

My friend said that my commentary sounded like I hated everyone – and I kinda had the tone of Dwight Schrute.

I don’t know if I should take that as an insult or a compliment.

She walks into the cavernous room towering in these killer heeled boots and she has a look of concern. She walks over to our table and says, “My child is sick.”

I didn’t know she had a child.

Then she says, “My dog.”

“Awwws” fill the room and she explains that her doggy back home has a runny nose. Luckily, her dog sitter is taking him to the vet. But alas, she composes herself in order to chat with us.

Savannah (Seyfried) reads a heartfelt letter from her dear John

Amanda has a resume of diverse characters and in Dear John, she plays Savannah a love interest that is too perfect for John – but love prevails. At the same time, the character is conflicted because John is overseas serving the country as a soldier in the Army Special Forces. That said, the first topic brought to the table was: how did she feel like playing a romantic lead?

“I felt like I had to fit into this mold when the script came out. I thought, ‘Wow, how cool would it be to play a romantic lead.’ That was my dream. I wanted to be Claire Danes in Romeo and Juliet when I was 12,” she laughs. “This is my chance to inspire other girls to fall in love.”

She goes on to say that it was a challenge fitting that role:

Amanda on Beauty

Then again, she says that playing a role like this is good for her. Being one of the emerging talents in Hollywood, tons of scripts get sent to her – but she says she doesn’t read them. That’s her agent’s job. “She knows exactly what I want to do – I trust her 100 percent,” she says. “People know that I can do more than play myself.”

And that she does – especially in an upcoming movie that she just finished.

Amanda on Scripts

Relating to prostitutes is one thing, but working with a director like Lasse Hallström is another thing. Working with someone that has foreign symbols in their name has to be intimidating, right?

Working with Lasse

“I grew up watching his movies,” she adds. “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape is one of the best movies ever made. He’s just really good. You sometimes worry that he doesn’t know what he wants, but he’s just chill. He’s laid back.”

Savannah and John (Tatum) have a scientific, yet romantic, discussion about the moon

Throughout the movie, Savannah grows with her relationship with John. She goes through some pretty emotional bumps but still manages to keep her head on straight – a characteristic that Amanda admires.

“Savannah is way more confident than I am,” she says. “In the beginning of the movie she’s 21 and she knows who she is and what she wants. She’s way cooler than I’ll ever be.”

I don’t think Savannah is necessarily “cooler” than Amanda. One common bond they share is music. They both sing well. And that is something Amanda wants to explore in the near future.

Amanda and her music

And then there’s the whole ordeal about working with Henry Thomas.

Amanda talks about Henry Thomas

But if anything, Amanda wants people to walk away from the movie with the overall theme: Love.

Amanda on love

“We can all relate to it,” she adds. “You can take a lot from the movie. It shines a light on autism – it’s something we should know about. There’s a lot of elements that make it easy to watch even if you’re not a 12 to 17 year old girl. It’s not just Channing Tatum with his shirt off.”

Speaking of a shirtless Channing, Amanda feels that at times, people seem to be more interested in him than her when it comes to this movie – but she jokes about it and understands why this press tour is becoming Channing-palooza.

Amanda on the sidelines

Amanda may be correct, but if it wasn’t for her, Channing’s character wouldn’t have found his heart. He also would’ve been making out with himself throughout the entire movie. Although that might be good for some, it wouldn’t necessarily make an ideal movie-going experience for the masses.

’Dear John’ is in theaters February 5. Read my interview with Channing Tatum by clicking here.

It’s hardly the greatest use of space.

We sat there chatting about what we were going to ask Channing. We mentioned the whole “burned hot dog incident” and although we heard he is pretty open about the ordeal, we thought it would be better not to mention it.

John (Channing Tatum) reads a letter from his boo in ‘Dear John’

As I sat there, I couldn’t help but think of how hungry I was. I am always hungry before these roundtable interviews. The Fiji Water from the refreshment table wasn’t cutting it. Why couldn’t they have some cookies or croissants on the table? Or maybe even an entire breakfast buffet?

I was also thinking, “Why couldn’t we do this interview some where more casual? Like a Starbucks? Borders? Somewhere out in public where people could see me chatting with Mr. Tatum.

As I was contemplating where I was going to eat after the interview, Channing Tatum walked in. He was looking casually sharp in a vest/button-down/tie/jeans combo. His hair was longer than it was in the movie Dear John and it was effortlessly combed with a hint of disheveled charm.

His latest film, Dear John is cut from the same cloth as The Notebook. Maybe because it was based on the book written by the same author: Nicholas Sparks. Channing plays John, a rough-around-the-edges sun-kissed dude in the Army Special Forces. His relationship with his father (Richard Jenkins) isn’t the greatest and he has gotten into his fair share of trouble. While home on leave, he falls for Savannah (Amanda Seyfried) and – well – you can guess what happens from here.

“The weather here is crazy,” he says as he approaches the table. By “crazy” he means it’s a little chilly. He should be lucky it wasn’t raining.

He looks just like he did onscreen: handsome with a kick of Southern edge. We all start chatting casually as he makes the effort to go around the table and shake all of our hands. It was very Southern of him.

We get down to it and start asking him questions – a lot of them had to do with being a fictitious military character in three movies.

“G.I. Joe wasn’t a real soldier to me – it was like X-men,” he says. “It’s not like we were trying to depict what a real soldier was like and what he has to go through. In Stop-Loss, we went through pretty intense training.”

He says that no matter how much training he has done, he – or anyone else for that matter – will never know what it’s like to be a soldier.

Channing’s sympathy for soldiers

Channing isn’t necessarily new when it comes to the military. His grandfather was a soldier in the Korean War – but he didn’t have the opportunity to talk with him about it because he lost the ability to speak before he could ask him. This is explains Channing’s fascination with the military. He has always wondered if he had what it takes to be in the military. He even thinks he may have enlisted if it weren’t for his football scholarship to Glenville State College in West Virginia.

By observation, he has learned a couple of things about being in the military – and it doesn’t necessarily involve basic training or guns.

“I have a lot of friends that are soldiers after doing some of these movies – they tend to surround you with them,” he says. “All the guys in Dear John were really (Army Special Forces) guys except for four of them. You talk them all the time and some of them have family. It’s mind-boggling in what they have to go through. I just can’t imagine being away from my wife or my family for 10 months at a time – sometimes more – being in harm’s way and not knowing what’s going to happen. Everyone deals with it different – some people don’t deal with it.”

Channing points out that these soldiers are just normal, everyday girls and guys. “They are just trying to figure out what’s going on in their lives,” he says. “They are just in extraordinary circumstances.”

From this, he figures that Dear John goes beyond war.

Channing on war and love

At this point of the interview, we are in really deep. Frankly, I wasn’t expecting the thoughtfulness of Channing’s answers. I underestimated him because I was expecting something along the lines of his character from Step Up – which, by the way, I loved.

He proved me wrong and thensome.

The relationship with Savannah isn’t the only thing John has to deal with in the movie. Channing points out that the development of John and his father is just as important – and it reflects that of today’s children. It just so happens that the father-son relationship in the movie is a heightened experience of that.

John and Savannah have some good ol’ fashioned summer lovin’

“Everyone can understand where there is a misunderstanding between parents and children – I definitely do,” he admits. “ John’s father has no social skills so he never taught him social tact. I think that’s why John joined the military – so he can learn to be a man and have skills to deal with the world.”

Then Savannah comes along to change all that:

The father-son relationship

As we talk about the emotional heft of the movie, I, being the unemotional robot I am, break the flow with the question, “Why should single guys see this movie?”

Why should guys see this movie?

Point taken.

He continues, “I think if you do have a father, brother, sister – it’s a good family movie. I think kids could see the movie – I don’t think it’s too bad. There is one racy scene, but I think it’s done tastefully.”

We have seen Channing in a multitude of roles, most of them being dramatic, but can we expect anything else?

Channing’s roles

Channing is just full of surprises. I wouldn’t have expected him to be such a character-driven kinda guy. That’s very un-jockish of him.

With his career in full stride and with comparisons to Marlon Brando under his belt (which Channing laughs and says “That is ridiculous!”), could it be possible that this Southern boy has lost a sense of humility? Has Hollywood corrupted him?

Channing’s sense of humility

“I have friends at home who will never let me forget who I am,” he adds with a smile. “They smack me in the face with it everyday. I’m just normal, idiot Chan!”

You can also take a gander at my interview with Amanda Seyfried. ‘Dear John’ is in theaters February 5, 2010

Jesus Christ, I only could imagine what will happen to those first 200 people who will get to meet them. My guess is spontaneous combustion.

To make matters worse, there were no press screenings for the movie in San Francisco which meant one of two things: A.) it was so bad that they didn’t want press to leak early reviews showcasing it’s primordial suckiness or B.) it was just that bad. Releasing it to the press would be like Long John Silver’s catering a Thanksgiving meal at a fat farm.

I, being the open-minded person that I am, gave this film a chance. I deflected all of the reviews and negative buzz around the movie. I went in with no expectations.

Then the movie started.

I inhaled deeply like a woman in labor while watching the two-dimensional acting provided by hottie du jour, Channing Tatum (who played Duke). I sat through the initial eye candy of explosions upon explosions upon explosions. I even turned a blind eye to the blatant token black guy quips provided by Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) – but they were funny.

Sienna Miller as the Baroness – love the belt buckle.

The plot was like that of a B-movie. A weapons magnate named McCullen (played by Christopher Eccleston, who will soon become – spoiler alert – the silver-faced Destro) invents these nanobytes things that can destroy metal and stuff. From the get go, we know he’s up to no good. He seems like he’s making them for our military but it turns out he’s invented them for the bad guys which includes the mangled mad scientist Rex or “The Doctor” (the soon-to-be Cobra Commander played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt), The Baroness (Sienna Miller), the badass ninja dude, Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee) and a whole band of soldiers who are infested with these nanobytes, which can apparently control people’s minds as well.

THEN there’s a whole orgy of flashbacks that links Duke with the Baroness and Rex; Storm Shadow with Snake Eyes (Ray Park) and it just gets really messy and convoluted – and Dennis Quaid as Hawk? C’mon Quaid, I know you can do better than that. And don’t EVEN get me started on Cobra Commander’s mask at the end.

I can see why people can hate this movie.

Storm Shadow (left) and Snake Eyes throw down

Then, about 45 minutes or so through all the FX diarrhea and stale acting, The Baroness said one line that made me chuckle. She was shooting up some building and forced a woman to get out of an elevator saying, “Out of the elevator bitch!” (or something like that) – then after a perfect beat she said, “Nice shoes though!”

This made me realize one thing: the movie is supposed to be fun. They are not trying to make this all deep and meaningful with muddled bullcorn. They are trying to be what everyone has been waiting for: a summer movie full of nonsense action and mediocre acting (Transformers 2 didn’t quench that thirst for me). We don’t need any cinematic overtures right now. That’s what Oscar season is for.

I let down my guard and released the grip on my pompous, self-righteous critical eye and just had fun with it. By doing that, I was able to relive those times when I had my G.I. Joe action figures go at war with the evil terrorist organization known as Cobra. It made me flashback to those days when I would make plastic military vehicles with intricate decals explode. It made me remember those days when I would dismember action figures that didn’t cooperate. It made me remember how much G.I. Joe was a major part of my childhood.

Isn’t that touching?

Sure, they may have totally raped the mythology with this whole Duke and Baroness love story. They even twisted the knife by adding Cobra Commander into the mix.

But I didn’t really care. This movie was just mindless for me – and that’s what I needed. Apparently, that’s what a lot of people need as well. The movie opened at number one domestically for the weekend box office with $56.2 million dollars. And apparently it wasn’t a total cluster fuck because they are already talking about a sequel.

If you’re looking for a G.I. Joe movie that follows the original cartoon and comic book verbatim – this ain’t for you. If you’re just looking to stare at a screen and watch things explode, then perhaps you should consider this cinematic drivel.

Let’s just be happy at the fact that Sienna didn’t attempt a Russian accent with The Baroness.