I was so busy watching Mary Murphy have a mouthgasm on So You Think You Can Dance that I forgot to watch The Voice finale — but perhaps that’s a good thing. Watching finale episodes of any reality competition on fast-forward is much more efficient.

Here is a bullet-pointed re-cap which allowed me to watch the one hour finale in under half an hour (spoilers ahead):

- Skipped the front loaded, mind-numbing, “time-filling” introduction.

- Ignored the Jay Leno bit because I don’t like him.

- Love Vicci, but didn’t feel like watching her performance with that dude from Train.

- Oh Lord. They really need to get rid of that useless “social media” room.

- Almost cried at the Javier/Stevie Nicks “Landslide” duet.

- Adam Levine almost cried too. Funny — he even looks like a white version of me when he almost cries.

- X-tina touched her boobs.

- X-tina’s velvet hat in her behind-the-scenes interview.

- Beverly is pretty much a badass. Last night’s “Beautiful” duet with X-tina was quite — well — beautiful. As for the One Republic duet tonight — ummmm — I would’ve liked to see her perform with Stevie Nicks as well. (deserving of fast forward)

- I love Dia — but can the coaches stop calling her voice, “unique”? Yes. We know it’s “unique,” but perhaps a thesaurus is in order.

- Dia and Miranda Lambert: I can hold off on the FF button for this one.

- The big moment is upon us — and Cee-lo’s bedazzled tracksuit is out of control.

- Beverly has a cane.

- Dia and Javier are chosen as the top two.

- I wonder if Carson Daly has nightmares about TRL while hosting.

- Javier Colon wins. Well-deserved.

- I wonder if Adam Levine gets a fat bonus for his pupil winning The Voice.

- I am going to rewind and watch that “Landslide” performance again:

The coaches of The Voice sang a Queen medley last night. And I made snap judgments. Here they are:

- The more I see Adam Levine, the more I realize the need to reiterate the fact that he looks like a Filipino version of me.

- Excellent use of Who Wants to be a Millionaire lighting. (:09)

- Cee-Lo‘s name begins with the letter “C” just in case you forgot — and why does he sound like the Charlie Brown teacher eating the microphone? I also got a sudden craving for Kool-Aid. (1:10)

- Blake Shelton wears vests because they are cool — and the duet he does with Cee-Lo looks like forced family fun. (1:58)

- This is how it would look if Adam and Blake made sweet love. (2:22)

- Christina Aguilera needs to remind everyone she can sing. Alone. With nobody. At all. (2:39)

- Note to self: black hotpants, animal print and a silver jacket can distract from camel toe. And is she wearing nude hose? (2:49)

- This is where all the swaybots from American Idol went. (3:29)

- It is in Christina’s contract that she must use her diva ad libs to drown out her fellow coaches. (3:32)

- Christina is really going for it. And by going for it, I mean she’s trying to fit as much melismatic diva hands in the short amount of time she was allotted. By the end of the song, she was probably trying her hardest to not say, “I AM THE CHAMPION OF THE WORLD.” (3:33 to the end)

By the end of this, I wish they just would have re-performed their rendition of Gnarls Barkley’s “Crazy.”

I don’t know if it’s The Voice or the fact that I have an unhealthy “Genie in a Bottle” tween obsession for Christina Aguilera, but she has been making a frequent appearance on my iPod shuffle during my workouts as of late. First, it was her sugary sweet “Come on Over,” now it’s her “fuck-you-I-will-never-give-up” anthem, “Fighter”. The song was particularly useful to drag my Happy Meal ass up that hellacious Hayes Street Hill during yesterday’s Bay to Breakers.

But the video scares me. Just a little bit.

Don’t act like you didn’t (and still do) jam out to this song — especially during that fast-talking breakdown and the video that included red highlights, exposed navels and had the vibe of a Sprite/Target commercial.

Also, I think I have a hankering for a lot of Christina Aguilera in my life because of The Voice — and this song is one of her trailblazing melismatic pop music masterpieces.

I really could care less about the actual Royal Wedding — but I do care about adding a Kate/William commemorative plate to my collection.

Nonetheless, here are a couple of things that I do care about — and you should to:

The Voice: Question — Who in the hell needs another vocal competition show? Answer– I do. I watched a preview of this show late last night and I was really getting into it! I think the main appeal was the motley crew of “vocal coaches” that have to pick a team of singers via blind auditions: Christina Aguilera, Adam Levine, Cee Lo Green, and Blake Shelton. It’s kind of game show-y, kind of reality show-y, kind of cheesy, but it’s music celebrity wattage is through the roof. Based on the preview alone, I am kinda hooked. (And yes, Blake Shelton is a celebrity.) Airs on NBC tonight

Hesher: This little movie stars commercial/indie hybrid golden boy, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, a Dwight Shrute-less Rainn Wilson, Natalie “I Am in Every 2011 Movie” Portman, a phenomenal performance by Carrie‘s momma Piper Laurie and a young cinema wunderkind by the name of Devin Brochu. The movie has made its festival rounds and I caught a screening of it last week. It’s a story that is full of fun: a Jesus Christ-looking vagabond/druggie rebel who invades a house of grief-stricken family who just lost their maternal figure. The movie opens in theaters on May 13 — so make sure you mark your calendar. In the meantime, check out the trailer:

Michael Scott takes his final bow at The Office: Get the tissues ready. This episode (airing Thursday) will be hard on all of us. (That’s what she said.)

Everybody has been dragging Christina Aguilera‘s name through the mud because of the glaring flub she made while singing the United States National Anthem at the Super Bowl. Actually, I didn’t notice the mistake. I was too busy stuffing my face full of food and telling my friends how I sing the National Anthem in the shower as if I am singing it at the Super Bowl.

Nonetheless, check out the boo-boo:

I wonder if the sign language people translating the anthem for the deaf made the same mistake.

It’s been three days and people are still talking about it — maybe it’s because people are still bitter about Bionic (for the record, I was one of the three people who actually liked it). In any matter, our National Anthem is a hot topic. People are referring Roseanne’s magical rendition, while Michelle Collins at Best Week Ever brilliantly compares X-tina’s vocal acrobatics to this performance by Maya Rudolph on a past episode on SNL:

Then there is Daniel Tosh from Tosh.0, who must have saw this snafu on the horizon — he gave Natalie Gilbert, a coveted “Web Redemption” for screwing up the National Anthem when she performed it as a youngster:

Perhaps Tosh should give X-tina one of those Web Redemptions.

Photo credit: Charlie Krupa/AP Photo

Click here to read about past Geist Infections.

Any pop rock song by the O.G. American Idol, Kelly Clarkson gets my adrenaline going, but this week I am pulling out her first single, “Miss Independent” out of the archives to help me get through my morning workouts — and here’s a fun fact about KC’s “you-go-girl!” anthem: it was co-written by Christina Aguilera and was supposed to be on her “Stripped” album…then again, this may be old news to you — but it is a fact that is fun!

Within minutes of the opening credits of Burlesque, we are introduced to Ali, a small-town country gal from Iowa. She works at a dive bar. She dreams of being a singer. She dreams of being a dancer. So what does she do? She quits her job at the bar and packs up her bag and heads to the glitz and glamour of Hollywood. But before she does, she has to have that cliché “one last hurrah” moment in an empty bar where she takes the stage and starts bellowing a tune that she has made up on the spot. Actually, it sounds like musical diva improv that parallels a soulful horn-honking 18-wheeler.

Thus sets the stage for the entire movie.

Scene after scene, we anticipate the next musical number; hoping that each performance outdoes the last. More than that, it gives drag queens an endless arsenal of derivative ideas for their 2011 repertoire.

True to form, Ali (Christina Aguilera) arrives in Los Angeles as a struggling entertainer. She stumbles upon the no-nonsense Tess (Cher) and her burlesque club – which just so happens to be in danger of being closed. With a combination of desperation and endearing agression, she lands a job as a waitress and, with her wide-eyed ambition, she works her way to the main stage to shake her stuff and belt out songs with ridiculous melismatic verve.

The employees of the establishment fulfill the color-by-number character chart required of a movie like this: there’s Tess’s trusty gay sidekick Sean (Stanley Tucci); the alcoholic prima donna bitch of the pack, Nikki (Kristen Bell); the nice girl, Georgia (Julianne Hough) the disposable quirky doorman (Alan Cumming), Marcus, the douchy, greedy rich villain who wants to buy the club (Eric Dane) and Jack, the love interest who wears eyeliner, is a struggling musician and has an unsteady fiancee (Cam Gigandet). Through all these characters, Ali goes on a journey that is predictable as it is entertaining and cheesy.

Follow the jump to read more.

Burlesque has all the ingredients it needs for a movie of this ilk: pretty celebrities, high production value, an ’80s teen star-turned director (remember when Steve Antin played the preppy bully Troy in The Goonies?), an iconic ringer (by that, I mean Cher) and one of this generation’s most talented singer that attempts to make her big screen debut (by that, I mean Aguilera).

In no way whatsoever can Aguilera carry the movie with her underdeveloped Mickey Mouse Club acting chops, but what she lacks there she makes up in some great Showgirls-meets-Moulin Rouge! musical numbers. Fortunately, she has enough thespian padding that holds the movie together for 116 minutes (barely).

Clearly, the movie’s music and dancing is the real bread and butter of the movie. However, a hint of soul is injected into the movie when Tess gives Ali a makeup lesson – it’s surprisingly touching. Other than that, if Tucci (whose character is basically a middle class version of his Nigel on Devil Wears Prada) and Cher had an HBO series playing these same exact characters, I would be more than obliged to reserve a space for it on my DVR.

Every other detail of the movie falls by the wayside. Even the lame Ali-Jack-Marcus love story can’t compete with the feather boa’d musical numbers, hypersexualized striptease dancing and Swarovski-encrusted bustiers.

Then again, who is going to watch this movie for the story? Much like porn, we just want to fast-forward to the juicy stuff. And by juicy stuff, I mean the musical numbers.

Burlesque opens in theaters November 24.

My excuse for not posting? I don’t have one.

What better way to get back into my blogging rhythm than to post the new trailer for the Cher-Stanley Tucci-Christina Aguilera cinematic striptease vehicle, Burlesque.

Looks fun! It’s like Showgirls with talent.

Your thoughts?

1.) Grab a quick dinner consisting of rice crackers and a Cliff Bar at Bristol Farms in the SF Centre.

2.) Go to Bloomingdale’s and ponder whether or not to buy a certain Comme des Garçons shirt that has been on sale. Actually, I have been pondering about it for a while. I really appreciate how I approach shopping as if it is a life or death situation. It’s just a damn shirt — and I’ll admit I was just going to buy it for the label. Having an item by Rei Kawakubo in my closet would boost my self-esteem. (I ended up not buying it. CdG fits me weird.)

3.) Watch a screening of Toy Story 3.

A wrench was thrown in my plans when, while walking, I looked in the window of a bar and saw this on the TV screen:

Flailing diva arms. Red lips. Slicked back blonde hair. Overzealous vocals that could blast a brick wall, irritate your ears with soul and send “Dirrrty” shivers down your spine — it was Christina Aguilera. Singing the National Anthem before Game 6 of the NBA basketball finals between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Boston Celtics. I rushed in just to listen to her belt this tune.

Short black skirt, high heels, the voice, the closed eyes, the waving hand-in-the-air melismatic runs — now that’s a great way to honor our country. Damn.

It’s also a great thing to watch before an animated cartoon about toys.

P.S. Should I go back and buy that CdG shirt?