Thor and Something Borrowed open in theaters today and you will be probably be racking your brain about what to watch this weekend — because it is that important.

When making this crucial decision, you really need to survey your cinematic likes and dislikes. Do you like comic book adaptations about fantastical Asgardian characters that involve inter-dimensional travel, Shakespearian daddy/brother issues and big hammers? Or do you prefer chick-lit adaptations about volatile love triangles, the betrayal process of hot New Yorkers, and Shake Shack endorsements?

In actuality, the two movies (which are tolerable and surprisingly entertaining) are freakishly similar. Here’s how the characters from each movie connect (for your clarification: the first name is a character from Thor the second from Something Borrowed):

Thor (Chris Hemsworth) and Rachel (Ginnifer Goodwin): One is the stubborn God of Thunder who loses his powers and is banished to Earth; realizing what he just lost. The other is a stubborn lawyer who loses the love of her life and gets banished to single life; realizing what she just lost. Thor gets screwed over by his brother Loki and Rachel gets screwed over by her BFF Darcy (although her screw-over isn’t as blatant). Both grow from their loss and eventually end up happy (at a cost). And both are easy on the eyes.

Loki (Tom Hiddleston) and Darcy (Kate Hudson): Loki steals the Asgardian throne from Thor. Darcy plans to get married to Dex (Rachel’s old classmate/forbidden love interest). Both are punk ass bitches — but only one can do magic (as far as I know).

Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) and Dex (Colin Egglesfield): Resident eye candy (the latter being a Tom Cruise clone circa Top Gun)

Sif (Jamie Alexander) Volstagg (Ray Stevenson), Fandral (Joshua Dallas), and Hogun (Tadanobu Asano) and Ethan (John Krasinski): Every hero/heroine needs a sidekick. In Thor, there are four characters that build this archetype. They are genuinely concerned for their thunderous beefcake of a friend while he is on Earth. They stop at no lengths to get help their homeboy out. In Something Borrowed, John Kransinski does the job as sidekick all by himself — very well. He is the only one who has the balls to keep it real with his homegirl (Rachel). He tells her she’s an idiot for having an affair with her BFF’s fiance — as real friends should.

Darcy (Kat Dennings) and Claire (Ashley Williams) & Marcus (Steve Howey): Comic relief was more than welcomed in both movies. As Jane’s misplaced intern, Dennings does the job solo and her one-liners are snarky and clever. Marcus and Claire are idiotic and delusional (respectively) as Rachel’s doofus of a potential suitor and Ethan’s psychotic stalker.

See? Thor and Something Borrowed are basically the same movie — like two peas in a pod.

I really could care less about the actual Royal Wedding — but I do care about adding a Kate/William commemorative plate to my collection.

Nonetheless, here are a couple of things that I do care about — and you should to:

The Voice: Question — Who in the hell needs another vocal competition show? Answer– I do. I watched a preview of this show late last night and I was really getting into it! I think the main appeal was the motley crew of “vocal coaches” that have to pick a team of singers via blind auditions: Christina Aguilera, Adam Levine, Cee Lo Green, and Blake Shelton. It’s kind of game show-y, kind of reality show-y, kind of cheesy, but it’s music celebrity wattage is through the roof. Based on the preview alone, I am kinda hooked. (And yes, Blake Shelton is a celebrity.) Airs on NBC tonight

Hesher: This little movie stars commercial/indie hybrid golden boy, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, a Dwight Shrute-less Rainn Wilson, Natalie “I Am in Every 2011 Movie” Portman, a phenomenal performance by Carrie‘s momma Piper Laurie and a young cinema wunderkind by the name of Devin Brochu. The movie has made its festival rounds and I caught a screening of it last week. It’s a story that is full of fun: a Jesus Christ-looking vagabond/druggie rebel who invades a house of grief-stricken family who just lost their maternal figure. The movie opens in theaters on May 13 — so make sure you mark your calendar. In the meantime, check out the trailer:

Michael Scott takes his final bow at The Office: Get the tissues ready. This episode (airing Thursday) will be hard on all of us. (That’s what she said.)

Your Highness opens in theaters Friday, April 8

Enjoy.

My first reaction to No Strings Attached was “I liked this movie when it was called Love and Other Drugs.”

I thought that was a good insult. I thought it was so good that I gave myself a high-five followed by a scathing, declarative “BURN!”

I wasn’t right. It was just as entertaining, if not less than, the Gyllenhaal/Hathaway campaign of finding love from promiscuity. Either way, both movies were scooped from the same trough of formulaic and semi-sweet stories with hot young actors in the lead roles.

In NSA (a popular term used on Craigslist by the way), Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher play Emma and Adam, two hot young professionals who hook up and decide to develop a satisfying relationship based on on-call coitus. In other words, they are fuck-buddies (was I supposed to hyphenate that term?). The catch? They can’t fall for each other (God forbid) and if they do, they need to stop having recreational sex (God forbid).

If you watch the trailer, it pretty much explains the entire movie.

I, like everyone else, enjoy seeing NatPort and AshKutch half-naked and getting it on. Even so, it can get a bit boring. But thank God for the supporting cast who, at times, are much, much, more entertaining and interesting. Here’s a guide to the actors that turned a pedestrian rom-com into a brisk jog. Focus on them and you’ll be able to get through the movie without any vomiting.

1.) Kevin Kline: As Adam’s father, Alvin, he’s the the worst dad in the world, insensitive, a narcissistic retired actor, a little creepy, totally unaware of the world around him — and he’s funny. That’s pretty good for a guy with minimal screen time.

2.) Jake Johnson: Alongside Ludacris (yes, the rapper), Johnson is one of Adam’s buddies and he’s the dorkiest of the three — making him the most entertaining.

3.) Olivia Thirlby: I have come to the conclusion that watching Olivia Thirlby in any movie is a treat. As Emma’s soon-to-be-married younger sister Kati,e she is merely a side dish in the movie — but she’s a side dish worthy of seconds.

4.) Greta Gerwig: The Greenburg star plays Patrice, one of Emma’s roommates/doctor friends. She’s snide, witty, and she has a cute little hook up with (spoiler alert) Jake Johnson’s character.

5.) Mindy Kaling: Like Gerwig, Kaling adds even more to the clever dynamic of Emma’s circle of friends as Shira — the token Asian friend and an answer to Adam’s token black friend. That aside, I would totally watch a spin-off gal pal movie with her and Patrice — with Emma in the background. Way in the background.

6.) Lake Bell: As Lucy, Adam’s neurotic colleague at his job at a High School Musical-esque TV series, Bell steals every single scene. She is the reason this movie is billed as a romantic comedy. And remember that spin-off movie with Patrice and Shira? I want her in it too.

7.) Donut Holes: There is one scene where (possible spoiler alert) Natalie Portman is stuffing her face with donut holes in an effort to aid her heartbreak. There’s something about a hot actress eating junk food that is so sexy.

No Strings Attached opens in theaters today.

Images courtesy of the Associated Press

Combining lewd comedy with the medieval fantasy world — it’s a match made in heaven.

Directed by Pineapple Express homeboy David Gordon Green Your Highness stars a wondrous cast of high-wattage humor including Danny McBride, James Franco, Justin Theroux and Natalie Portman (yes, despite her turn as a psycho-obsessed Black Swan — the homegirl can make you laugh.)

It was about time they bring back movies of the Princess Bride ilk. It’s like what the Lord of the Rings should have been.

“Black Swan” is kind of like ”Burlesque” – except there’s no burlesque club…and there’s no fun musical numbers…and there’s no iconic, ageless celebrity ringer.

OK. Maybe it isn’t like “Burlesque,” but there are tons of dancing and a girl-on-girl scene. The latter is something that could have taken “Burlesque” to a whole level of awesomeness and pornographic brilliance.

In “Black Swan,” director Darren Aronofsky presents us with his latest WTF opus that focuses on Nina Sayers (Natalie Portman), a go-getting ballerina with tons of unhealthy ambition and a crazy-ass pageant mom (flawlessly played by Barbara Hershey) that may or may not be the long lost sister of Joan Crawford.

Nina eventually rises to the occasion and, with a bit of uncertainty, takes the lead in “Swan Lake” where ballet director Thomas Leroy (Vincent Cassel) uses his unorthodox method of fondling and groping to guide Nina to play the White and Black Swan in the production. Nina already has the elegance of the White Swan, but she cannot, for the life of her, capture the essence of the Black Swan’s feral sensuality – something she sees (and quietly envies) in Lily (Mila Kunis), a new addition to the company. She’s free-spirited, relaxed and is essentially the yang to Nina’s uptight yin.

Follow the jump to read more.

Aronosfky paints a beautiful disaster of picture with “Black Swan” – in a good way. He applies his trademark style of damaged, demented and intoxicating charm to the ballet world. From the competitiveness to the body image issues to the torture to the corn-chipped feet it’s all there. But Nina serves as the totem of self-obsessive, unhealthy perfection – a role that Portman fills in quite well.

Portman dedicates herself to this role right down to the plie squats and anorexic figure. As an object of desperation to a full-fledged ballerina diva of delusion, she is convincing – especially when interacting with her precious nail-cutting Momma.

Speaking of nail-cutting, the brutal scenes of bloody nails, cringe-worthy skin peeling and bizarre (and a bit comedic) swan transformations are difficult to watch – and are a tad bit gratuitous. Nonetheless, it seems that Aronofsky knows exactly what can make an audience’s skin crawl so that he has your attention. He especially grabs your attention with the Kunis/Portman girl-on-girl scene, which may reel in the Frat boy demographic, but, male hormones may get flaccid as the scene turns out to be totally creepy — unless you’re into that freaky stuff.

The movie is billed as a thriller; some are even calling it a horror. Perhaps it goes in line with Nassim Nicholas Taleb’s “Black Swan Theory” where he explores “the psychological biases that make people individually and collectively blind to uncertainty and unaware of the massive role of the rare event in historical affairs.” One thing is for certain: the movie is not about ballet, but it does serve as the conflicting elegant backdrop for a psychotic story about a girl with issues that are beyond repair as soon as she slips on those binding pointe shoes.

The movie, like all Oscar bait movies that we are supposed to rave about, leaves it up to your interpretation. My interpretation? Psycho character-driven movies about self-consumed, perfectly flawed ballerinas on the verge of literally (or is it figuratively?) becoming a swan equals cinematic gold for everyone involved.

Natalie Portman in “Black Swan” (a.k.a. the movie where she has a hot and heavy girl-on-girl scene with Mila Kunis

…and don’t forget the brilliant, artsy, thought-provoking cover of Kanye’s album (I guess this is the un-banned version as opposed to his “chillin’ with the phoenix” cover):

…and this couldn’t come at a better time considering it is the season for “The Nutcracker” (did you see the trailer for the 3-D version? I am so not going to see it).

With all of this ballet stuff in the air, it only means one thing: little girls are gonna want to become ballerinas which will eventually lead to edgy hip-hop/ballet fusion dancing as well as a future as a self-obsessed, psychosexual ballerina who strives to be perfect and, along the way, decides to experiment with her sexuality.

Sounds about right.

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That’s some crazy shit right there. I can’t wait.