Optimus Prime is a badass: Every time Optimus Prime came on screen the crowd cheered. He is the biggest bad ass muthafucka of the Autobots. Sure, he is the fearless leader, skilled fighter, and ethically sound when it comes to humanity and Transformers living in harmony — but he has this thuggish, James Bond swagger. With his smooth-as-motor oil voice and Jay-Z attitude, I bet you when the cameras are off, all the female Transformers drop their panties for him:

Spock as Sentinel Prime: I love it when sci-fi actors crossover to other franchises — even if his character ended up being a (spoiler alert) little bitch.

Dino the Ferrari: For the past two movies, Transformers has prided itself on including only American-brand cars — but they have expanded to a Ferrari. And he is Italian. And his name is Dino. Why couldn’t they have made him Filipino? Then I could have said this Transformer was modeled after me:

Lack of a shirtless Duhamel: There was no shirtless Josh Duhamel — but he does sprout wings and flies. However, if you do want to see him shirtless, you can watch Win a Date with Tad Hamilton.

That’s so Shia! Oh Shia LaBeouf. I love the mix of sarcastic humor and Spielbergian alien-and-boy-relationship gravitas you bring as Sam Witwicky in Transformers . I like how you were on the verge of oversaturating the pop zeitgeist a couple years back, but then pulled back a little bit. Most of all, I love this tweet about you courtesy of Michael Ian Black:

@michaelianblack Just realized Shia LaBeouf has every vowel in his name, which might be the most interesting thing about him.

Michael Bay’s new angel: Laddie mag staple and former Victoria’s Secret angel (Bay discovered her while directing a commercial for the lingerie collection), Rosie Huntington-Whiteley replaces Megan Fox as Sam’s love interest. After watching the movie, I immediately post this on my Facebook:

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is kinda hot. Hotter than Megan Fox. I think it’s the accent…and her skank factor is kind of low.

Tyrese is one “Sweet” actor: Every time Tyrese Gibson comes on the screen in any movie this is what plays in my head:

…and every time Patrick Dempsey comes on the screen in any movie this is what plays in my head:

What? Ken Jeong is in this movie? Yes. He is. It plays nerdy and creepy version of Señor Chang.

Best use of high-wattage thespians: The simple presence of John Malkovich and Frances McDormand in this movie add a certain prestige to this movie. It’s kind of like adding truffle oil to any dish — it makes it fancy.

Is it worth it? Yes. Watch this movie on the big screen. It is so worth it — particularly with the visionary seduction of the robots and special effects. 3-D or not, it will give anyone an eye boner — and the story involves betrayal, alien invasion and LOTS of Bay-branded explosions. How can you NOT love that? After Transformers 2, I set low expectations for the third installment — and my low expectations were exceeded. (That’s a good thing.) This joyride is a bit long (154 minutes long), but it’s a generous helping of no-thinking summer blockbuster fare — if you’re into that thing. If not, just watch Tree of Life.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon opens in theaters today.

Optimus Prime (voiced by Peter Cullen) gives Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf) a fatherly lecture in a cemetery – because that’s the perfect place for a fatherly lecture

From the moment I saw a caveman on the screen in the opening scene of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, I knew I was in for a bittersweet treat. Yes, you heard that right: caveman. No I am not getting this confused with the lukewarm comedy film Year One (very disappointing by the way), I am talking about our favorite robots in disguise. Autobots. Decepticons. Shia. Megan. The whole shebang – and a shebang it was…sort of.

The second chapter of this robotic saga brings us up to speed with Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf) and his hot, to-good-for-him, girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox). He’s going to Princeton, she’s working at a bike shop that requires her to wear Daisy Duke shorts and lip smacking make up. He finds a piece of the Allspark cube from the first movie hidden away in his battle wounded hoodie. He picks it up and that’s when all hell breaks loose.

The little fragment sparks (no pun intended) Sam’s inner Raymond Babbitt/John Nash and he starts seeing these characters and becomes an idiot savant in his Astronomy class. Turns out that the fragment of the Allspark implanted clues in his head to where the Decepticons can find a big ol’ machine that can blow up the sun. In turn, Megatron (voiced by Hugo Weaving) returns from the dead to get some revenge and another ancient badass robot named the Fallen (voiced by Tony Todd) is there with him.

Let me back up for a second.

So it turns out the whole Transformers phenomenon goes way back into time before Megan Fox was getting compared to Angelina Jolie and when men wore loincloths (which would explain the aforementioned cavemen). The Fallen was a part of that crew and he got exiled for wanting to blow up suns and making the whole universe a land suitable for Emo and Scene kids.

Yes, the plot is pretty much your basic “take over the world” storyline with transforming cars. All in all, it’s a muddled storyline eclipsed by really cool and complicated CGI that is too much for the eyes to take in.

Nonetheless, once they figure out Sam has the key to the sun obliterator. The Decepticons go after him with a vengeance, which makes the Autobots spring into action.

Luckily, the Autobots (Optimus Prime, Ironhide, Ratchet and some new annoying twin bots named Mudflap and Skids) have created this budding ro-bromance with a new top secret sector called NEST which includes Josh Duhamel’s character and his band of merry men (Tyrese is included in that mix – and by the way, when is he gonna come out with a new album?).

After all of this is set up, we all get to have an eyegasm of intertwined robots and – all together now – Megan Fox sans Ugg boots and sweats.

One of many scenes in which LaBeouf and Fox run.

Ultimately, the formula went like this: Explosion. Robot. Fight. Transform. Actors run. Repeat that for 144 minutes and you got yourself a sequel with Michael Bay’s name written all over it.

I had a multitude of Transformers when I was a young lad. When I played with them in my suburban home in San Antonio, TX, my fight scenes were more elaborate and exciting – maybe it’s because I often did cross toy product wars with G.I. Joe and sometimes my sister’s Barbie dolls, but that’s neither here or there.

At one point I stopped caring about whether or not Sam was going to get a magical Matrix to (possible spoiler alert) to save a Transformer’s life whose name rhymes with Schmoptimus Crime. Even when the super-Decepticon Devastator showed up on the screen I wasn’t that excited. I had this particular Transformer toy when I was a child. It was basically six construction vehicles (appropriately called Constructicons) that formed together and made a gigantic robot (much like Voltron). It was fluorescent green and purple and it was SO cool. The movie version of the Devastator was like a hybrid of a robotic dog and a vacuum cleaner. Very disappointing.

Bumblebee (voiced by Mark Ryan) kicks some Decepticon boo-tay

This ride of seizure-inducing transforming fight scenes and gratuitous explosions was quite exhausting. And how necessary was it to bring in Isabel Lucas as a evil temptress that weighs as much as a bucket of air? If it was an attempt to produce another hottie, they failed miserably. Fox has the monopoly on that.

Thank God John Turturro (he’s back as the irritating Agent Simmons) and newbie Ramon Rodriguez (who plays Sam’s roommate Leo) were there to provide comic relief amongst the gag-worthy “Who’s going to say ‘I love you first’?” battle between LeBouf’s and Fox’s characters. Honorable mention goes to Julie White and Kevin Dunn as Sam’s kooky parents.

Without a doubt I am a fan of LaBeouf and I admire the signature Spielberg boy-and-alien friendship with the endearing yellow Camaro Bumblebee, but even LeBeouf’s “He’s the next Tom Hanks” charm didn’t give me the summer blockbuster joyride I had with the first one.