Yes, Gagyonce sounds like some sort of version of acid reflux, but I want you to spread it around like an STD.

Before you view the video, please take note of the hot-ass booty poppin’ by B circa timestamp 2:52.

So let’s get past the fact that B is donning Jean Paul Gaultier and let’s get to the real juicy bits of this video: What are your thoughts?

Was this a gratuitous extended remix appearance by Gaga (Beyonce sings this solo on her album)? Was it just pop drivel? Was it hot? Is Beyonce stepping up her game when it comes to taste? And most importantly, which cellular phone service will most likely pick this song to use in their ads? I mean, if B can use “Sweet Dreams” for Crystal Geyser, why not use this song for stellar cell phone service?

I have been putting this movie at the bottom of my list since it came out. It’s not that I don’t like horror movies, it’s just that I don’t like horror movies that use home video cameras. It makes them seem real. Too real.

I was one of those tools that fell for the supposed reality of The Blair Witch Project, so when I heard about this movie I said, “I ain’t even gonna try to go see that.”

Weeks passed and the pop culture matrix was all over this movie about Katie (Katie Featherston) and Micah (Micah Sloat – they actually used their real first names, which makes it even realer and, in turn, more pee-in-your-pants frightening), a couple who witnesses paranormal activity in their house. I, being the self-proclaimed pop culture pundit that I am, thought that is was my job to see this movie. So on Saturday, I grew a pair and moseyed on over to the Metreon to view this film.

As I sat in the theater waiting, I thought to myself, “Okay, this can’t be that bad. I mean, I already know it’s not real – and it won’t be anything like that Blair Witch malarkey.”

The film started and I thought, “Hey, this isn’t that bad.” Besides the nauseous home video cinematography, I wasn’t too scared – until they started those overnight surveillance videos of the couple sleeping. All my comforting words melted away – and so did the manhood I attempted to grow.

At one point, the woman in the movie gets up in the middle of the night and just stares at her boyfriend while he is sleeping. Not in a “I love you so much” romantic way, but in a “I am possessed by a demon and I am going to eat your pancreas” sort of way. It was unsettling.

The movie wasn’t scary because of what was happening on screen (well, a lot of it was), but it was more of what could happen to this couple who we immediately know is doomed from the very beginning. Plus, there’s something about things emerging from darkness and grabbing your leg and dragging in the middle of the night that makes me implode with cowardice. Director and screenwriter Oren Peli also decided to factor in the whole “demonic presence” ordeal into the equation and anything that deals with that kind of stuff (i.e. The Exorcist) just fucks me up.

As soon as I walked out of the theater, I tried everything to keep my mind off of this movie: made cupcakes, sang showtunes , prayed the rosary – but nothing worked. Repeatedly singing “Tardy for the Party” didn’t even give me any solace whatsoever. As the title of this post suggests, I did in fact sleep with the lights on that night…and I may even sleep with them on again tonight.

I am not afraid to admit that I am colossal wuss – and that is perfectly fine.

Danny Pudi plays the vacantly endearing Abed in NBC’s Community

Danny Pudi as Abed in Community. He’s probably one of the few things that is funny on that show.

The little Asian girl in those Windows commercials. Yeah, she’s cute…and kinda annoying too.

Models Liu Wen and Shu Pei Qin made it hot at Paris Fashion Week.

…and speaking of Paris Fashion Week: Issey Miyake, Tsumori Chisato, Hussein Chalayan, Junya Watanabe, Yohji Yamamoto and Rei Kawakubo for Comme des Garçons all showed collections.

Shirin Askari is reppin’ Iranians on Project Runway.

Chef Takashi Yagihashi sat in a guest judge seat on Top Chef this week.

Kazu Nagahama played Shin-Ya in this week’s How I Met Your Mother. He was the guy auditing Ted’s “Robin 101″ class.

Ming-Na – she may be known as the homegirl from Joy Luck Club, but she’s going sci-fi on SGU Stargate Universe

This brings our total to…89

Keep track of my Asian pop culture tally by clicking here (don’t forget to send those tips my way!)

John Cho is lookin’ pretty intense on ‘FlashForward’ – Photo Credit: ABC/Bob D’amico

John Cho on Flash Forward…

Sandra Oh on Grey’s Anatomy…

B.D. Wong on Law & Order: SVU…

Margaret Cho on Drop Dead Diva…

I think I saw about five Asian zombies in Zombieland…

That brings the total to…75.

Keep track of my Asian pop culture tally by clicking here (don’t forget to send those tips my way!)

When I did my interview with Margaret Cho for Hyphen Magazine (yes, this is a shameless name drop) I asked her about the state of Asian Americans in entertainment and she answered…

There’s a great crop of (Asian American) talent. There are a couple of more Asian faces here and there – that is great. The “Slumdog Millionaire” win at the Oscars is super exciting and is great for the community. There also needs to be more Asian Americans behind the scenes – not just with movies, but with television, music and other forms of entertainment.

I also did another interview with John Cho a while back (shameless name drop #2) and he practically said the same thing.

That said, I am going to keep a running tally of the Asian Americans I see under the pop culture umbrella – particularly in movies, television, fashion and arts. I won’t necessarily pinpoint every single Asian American involved in a movie or TV show, but I will do my best. (I also welcome leads…)

So here is my list starting from August 1, 2009:

1.) Charlyne Yi in Paper Heart: According to Wikipedia, “her mother is of Filipino-Spanish descent and her father is of Korean, Irish, German, French and Native American.”

2.) Thakoon Panichgul in The September Issue: Thai fashion designer who does brilliant prints…CFDA wunderkid…a Michelle Obama favorite…and cute as a button.

3.) The Asian dude in all those AT&T commercials.

4.) Ang Lee, the Tawainese director of the upcoming film, Taking Woodstock. (I got to see a pre-screening of it and interviewed the brilliant director at the beginning of the month – yes, I am bragging.)

5.) The G.I. Joe movie may not have been the BEST, but it did have some Asians up in there: Gerald Okamura (credited as “Hard Master” – whatever that means), Brandon Soo Hoo (plays young Storm Shadow) and Byung-hun Lee (plays the older Storm Shadow).

6.) Season 4 America’s Best Dance Crew has a whole mess of Asians up in there: Hiroka “Hero” Mcrae and Mami Kanemitsu in the crew, We Are Heroes; select breakers (I think four of them) from the b-boy crew, Massive Monkeys; and ALL SEVEN of those kids from Fr3sh (why did the Asians have to get eliminated first?). We’ll collectively count this as 13.

7.) Just saw a How I Met Your Mother re-run titled “Three Days of Snow” and the recurring character of the cab driver Ranjit (played by Marshall Manesh reps the Asian American community!

Asian pop culture tally as of Aug. 17: 21

Not bad.

And I realize that this may border on the line of cultural vanity, but I am just going to follow Margaret Cho’s lead when she said, “I am into being self-righteous (laughs) I don’t think there is anything wrong with it.”

Okay. This is not a true story; therefore it is not “real.” I am referring to the new BBC America show, Being Human.

Take a look:

BBC has really outdone themselves this time. They are taking one present paranormal pop culture fad (vampires); one upcoming fad (werewolves) and one forecasted fad (ghosts) and putting them altogether in a “hip” setting.

Is this genius? Overly ambitious? Or just plain kitschy?

Here are my top 10 highlights (in no particular order) from tonight’s episode:

1.) Lafayette has gained some of his sass back (i.e. his “Bitch” t-shirt and the fact that he suggested that Eggs – who’s real name is Benedict – be called “Dict” instead of Eggs or Ben). Thank God. I was getting worried.

2.) I can’t believe I am admitting this, but how cute are Hoyt and Jessica? Ugh. I sound like a Twilight-obsessed tween.

3.) Jason in post coital bliss with Sarah inside a church.

4.) Jason beating the shit out of Steve Newlin’s Frankenstein-looking goon.

5.) Did anyone else find the black saucer-eyed zombie orgy creepy and funny at the same time?

6.) We finally got a no frills explanation of what the hell Maryann is thanks to Daphne (R.I.P. – I think). She’s some sort of Devil Goddess who likes to exploit the seven deadly sins and hunt down rabbits with her bare hands.

7.) We saw that Eric has feelings (hence the single bloody tear), which put me in the TEAM ERIC camp.

8.) We FINALLY got to see this mysterious Godric. Well, we got to see him last week, but this week, we got to actually see him in the now – and he looks like a frat boy.

9.) True to Texan stereotypes, Lone Star vamps really like their cowboy shirts.

10.) Although Sookie and Bill are the centerpiece of the show; their love story of co-dependence still stands second in line to everything else on the show.

I say this because as soon as I saw the opening scene and heard that catchy music box theme, I was a bit confused. I totally forgot what happened in The Order of the Phoenix. Luckily, I caught on – but it took me a while. And luckily the plot doesn’t require you to know rocket science.

But I do strongly suggest you review the past Potter films. It’ll probably work in your favor. And it’s always fun to see Daniel Radcliffe pre-Equus

In any matter, the film, directed by David Yates (who also did Phoenix), has Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) joining Dumbledore (Michael Gambon) on the continuing quest to find a way to destroy Voldemort (gasp! I spoke his name) – but first, they must bring Horace Slughorn (Jim Broadbent) back to Hogwart’s to teach. Apparently, he has some vital information that could possibly destroy Voldemort (gasp! I spoke it again).

In any matter, it’s Harry’s 6th year at Hogwart’s and things aren’t as happy-go-lucky as they used to be. It’s darker and somber – almost emo. Security is tight and they ain’t havin’ as much fun as they used to. Harry also suspects that Draco Malfoy (Tom Felton) is turning to the dark side Darth Vader style.

It may seem a little bit darker up in the big H, but there is plenty of hormonal angst all over the place. Harry (who apparently is this big mack daddy now) starts to have feelings for Ginny Weasley (Bonnie Wright – she is treated to more screen time in this one); her brother and Harry’s BFF, Ron (Rupert Grint), hooks up with the clingy and psycho-romantic Lavender Brown (Jessie Cave) and Hermione (Emma Watson – who is looking sweet and gamine these days) looks at him with restrained jealousy while the pompous, Abercrombie & Fitch-y Cormac McLaggen (Freddie Stroma) does his best peacock dance to win her over.

Think of it as a romantic teen comedy with magic wands and English accents. And what is with that name Lavender Brown? That is a straight-up stripper name.

Ron+Hermione+Harry = BF4E!

Throughout all that mess, Harry finds a book in his potions class once owned by the Half-Blood Prince (hence the movie title). The book contains altered recipes for potions and spells that cause him to be a star student and, become a little bit obsessive. On top of that, he’s dealing with his feelings for Ginny, hunting down Voldemort and trying to bust Draco. No wonder why he’s so angsty.

The movie was unexpected and very subdued. It’s like it wanted to explode with extravagant wizardry, but it had to hold itself back – which makes me think we are in for some hardcore wizardry throwdowns in the next installments. But there is one scene where Dumbledore wards off tons of busted-looking waify creatures (I think they were runway models) with a firestorm. It was hot. Literally.

This is the first time I have watched a Potter film and realized that all of these characters are grown up. They actually have a conscious realization of their feelings – which explains the huge spotlight on the “he likes her who likes him” mess.

It’s nice that we have been with them from the very beginning. They have grown up right before our very eyes. But within all those years, why haven’t they changed their wardrobe? Do they all have an endless expense account at H&M? It’s a teenybopper array of hoodies, T shirts and jeans. I think it might be time for an upgrade.

As for the bad guys – now those are some people who know how to dress. Draco has this sort of Alexander McQueen washed-out look with his pale skin, platinum hair and the dapper slim black-on-black suit. Professor Snape (played by the always brilliant Alan Rickman) hasn’t changed since the first film, but his severely-cut/flowy Matrix-like banded collar suit is priest-chic. Then there’s Bellatrix Lestrange (Helena Bonham Carter), who is doing her hottest impression of Stevie Nicks-gone-meth addict.

But I digress.

Nothing in this movie was groundbreaking. Nothing impressed me. Nothing had me screaming “Expecto Patronum!” as I walked out of the theater. I didn’t even want to play a round of Quidditch after. And all that isn’t necessarily bad. We already been through all that. Now, the focus is more story less flash – which seems to be the evolution of the Potter films. The story intrigued me enough. Sure, there was a little bit more room for satisfaction, but I wasn’t complaining.

Ultimately, this was just a set-up (on the borderline of long-winded) for the final two-part hurrah of The Deathly Hallows. Hopefully, this set-up will be worth it.

But let’s put the focus on Maryann Michelle Forbes- the crazy, bohemian dress wearing mysterious witch lady who looks like she’s about to tell us our fortunes via a pay-by-the-minute hotline. It looks like she buys all her clothes as World Market. With her wing tipped eyes and her flowy dresses, she moseyed into the town of Bon Temps and is an aphrodisiac realized.

Here’s what we know about her:

1.) She has history with Sam (Sam Trammell), the town’s bar owner and resident shape shifter on the DL. A long time ago they did it. That whole sex scene between the two of them was creepy. A bestiality kind of creepy.

2.) She has a huge pet pig. I have no idea what the hell this is about.

3.) When she is casting a spell or whatever, she vibrates really fast. She should seriously consider taking up krumping. She would kill it on the dance floor.

4.) She lives in a big mansion and she likes to hosts parties where people get naked, drunk, horny, gluttonous and we recently found out that people get so faded they eat dirt. Now that’s a party.

5.) She has an agenda with Tara. Maybe it’s a lesbian thing, maybe it isn’t. I mean, Tara does have a bangin’ bod. I would not be surprised.

6.) According to a recent interview she did with TV Guide, she is a maend. At the end of the last episode, the people at Tara’s b-day party started going BUCK WILD and Maryann started to grow some serious man hands. In other words, she is that minotaur lookin’ thing that totally jacked up Sookie (Anna Paquin) in the previous episode.

Maryann makes it hot at Merlotte’s, the town’s watering hole

It’s so obvious what her role in this show is. She is vying to be the town’s top-rated party planner. Sure, she may have a problem with controlling her shakes and she may turn into a monstrous beast once in a while – but man – if she can throw a party where people get topless and guzzle down bottles and bottles of wine then she obviously just wants to be the next Martha Stewart. And like Martha, she tends to have manish qualities. Maybe she’s a dude. Or maybe she’s just a tranny trying to be accepted.

Whatever she is, she don’t mean no harm. Now let’s leave her alone and move on to more important stuff on the show – like the name “Sookie.” What kind of southern name is that? I lived in Texas for most of my life and not once have I heard a name like that – and how annoying are Bill (Stephen Moyer) and Sookie?

I’ll just save that for another post…

Well whether you do or not, I just want to share this lovely conversation I had earlier today with my friend Janet:

Janet: i finally got my hair cut
Janet: i look like the beast from beauty and the beast the tv series w/ linda hamilton

Dino: OH FUCK
Dino: ur right
Dino: u kind of do
Janet: a filipino version
Dino: OMG – HAHAHAHAHA
Janet: so if emily blunt and beast had a filipino baby it would be me
Dino: ur right