“Agitating my sciatica,” is possibly the best line to make someone feel bizarrely guilty.

From here on out, I shall use the Abed/African American Police Chief technique when reprimanding my students.

Throughout the whole 4th of July weekend, I kept on referencing chokers and halter tops — mostly in conversation during my brother-in-law’s 40th birthday party. Using my cousin-in-law (is that even the appropriate way to address this type of relative?) Darlene as an example, this how the typical conversation went:

Darlene: What should we bring when we go camping in August?

Me: I don’t know, but make sure you bring your clubbing clothes — just in case.

Darlene: Clubbing clothes? Why?

Me: You never know when you’re gonna have to go to a club.

Darlene: Are you serious?

Me: Yes. You should bring a clubbing outfit like a halter top. And a choker.

I kept on wedging chokers and halter tops into conversation whether it was relevant or not.

Obviously, I was referencing one of the best Gen X cinematic opuses of all time (or at least 1994): Reality Bites.

It was the scene when Vickie (Janeane Garofalo) is in a diner talking to Lelaina (Winona Ryder) about her fears about having AIDS:

Vickie: You don’t understand. Every day, all day, it’s all that I think about, OK? Every time I sneeze, it’s like I’m four sneezes away from the hospice, and it’s like it’s not even happening to me. It’s like I’m watching it on some crappy show like “Melrose Place” or some shit, right? And I’m the new character, I’m the HIV-AIDS character, and I live in the building and I teach everybody that it’s OK to be near me, it’s OK to talk to me, and then I die. And there’s everybody at my funeral wearing halter tops or chokers or some shit like that.

Lelaina: Vickie stop, OK? Just stop. You’re freaking out. And you know what? You’re gonna have to deal with the results. Whatever they are, we’re gonna have to deal with them just like we’ve dealt with everything else.

Vickie: This isn’t like everything else.

Lelaina: I know that, all right? But it’s gonna be OK, you know? I know it’s gonna be OK. (pause) “Melrose Place” is a really good show.

Thank you Janeane Garofalo for saying such profound words. So profound it has stuck with me for over 16 years…and “Melrose Place” was a really good show. Andrew Shue’s best work — and a great place for halter tops and chokers.

Bitch! You, me, bridge — ain’t never gonna muthafuckin’ happen.

–said by Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) to Lettie (Adina Porter) after she apologizes for trying to shoot him.

R is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it “Murder” and not “Muck Duck.”

- said by Dwight Shrute (Rainn Wilson) on The Office episode titled “Mafia.”

Lame.

For the most part, it makes them look pseudo-intellectual and just plain annoying. What’s worse is when people leave Aristotle quotes in the signature of their emails or when they put lengthy, annoying and convoluted words of wisdom in their Facebook status messages. THEN people buy into it. They comment on their status, encouraging them; making them feel like they are a philosopher. They leave comments like, “I couldn’t have said it better myself” or “Man, you are so deep!” And don’t even get me started on this whole FML bullcorn. That’s a whole other rant.

At times, I want to comment, “Shut the hell up and stop being such a douche,” but, being the gentleman I am, I don’t. Instead, I just roll my eyes and delete them from my friends list because we all know that is the penultimate way to hate on someone.

I think most of this has to do with the fact that I am writing snob. If you’re feeling a certain way, don’t make it all contrived with quotes and fortune cookie philosophies.

The bottom line is: Just say it. If you’re pissed off then say, “I am pissed off!” If you’re depressed say, “I want to slit my wrists.” OR you can get creative with it. If you’re mad at someone – make certain that the offending party knows you’re mad. Say something like, “I hope that your wiener falls off and you catch dysentery.” OR if you’re going through some tough emotional times, forego the greeting card sentiment and say something like, “I want to eat a whole gallon of ice cream, wear pants with an elastic waistband and listen to Journey songs for the rest of my life.” If that’s not a cry for help, I don’t know what is.

Keep it real. Don’t give me regurgitated malarkey at your own self-deprecated expense.

This is the word of Dino-Ray.

Ernest Hemingway once said to Bernard Berenson in Selected Letters:

Ordinarily I never read anything before I write in the morning to try and bite on the old nail with no help, no influence and no one giving you a wonderful example or sitting looking over your shoulder.

Too late Mr. Hemingway. I read through a book of quotes by you as soon as I woke up. That means my mind is going to be tainted all day.

A hug is like a public dry hump.

-Barney

Marshall: Why can’t two guys who are friends go to brunch?

Ted: Because brunch is kind of…

Robin: Girly.

Marshall: Breakfast isn’t girly. Lunch isn’t girly. What makes brunch girly?

Ted: I don’t know. There is nothing girly about a horse or a horn. Put them together and you have a unicorn.

- as said in the World’s Greatest Couple episode.